Day 168: Eating my way through the day

Today I feel the cold setting in and it's time to bust out the big guns.

On the way into work I stopped at the drug store and picked up a homeopathic remedy, regular medicine, and kleenex.

My plan of attack is to flush out this monster before it takes me down. I have a big week ahead, we're taking the entire show on the road in 3 days and I have to be on top of my game.

I really think there is something to the saying 'feed a cold starve a fever', because by lunchtime I was ready to chow down.

I couldn't decide what I wanted... giant hamburger? Nah... plain old greasy fast food? Nope... Breakfast! Now we have a winner!

I love breakfast, when I settle in on this delectable delight look out because a feeding frenzy is about to take place, and today was no different.

By the time it was all said and done I had downed a 3 egg omelet and hash browns.

After work I was meeting up with the BFF, her fiancee and the Church lady for dinner. Once again I chowed like I had never seen food before.

Chips and salsa, more chips, more salsa.... cheese crisp and spinach enchiladas.

We sat around and chatted for a while, and I was fading fast. I don't know if my medication was wearing off or what was going on but I felt my eyelids getting heavy so it was time to go home.

Once at home... you guessed it... I ate some more.

I wasn't even hungry but I wanted cheese and crackers, at that point I realized it wasn't necessarily the food I was craving but it was salt.

I can't believe how much I put away today! But it only makes sense because I've been living on summer sausage, cheese and crackers for 2 days. I can only hope the saying is true, because if it is, then I could be over this thing tomorrow!

If not, I'm going to feel fat and stuffy.

Day 169: Monday Monday

Oh Monday, you always get the short end of the stick.

It's so hard heading back to work after more than a weekend off, and today was no exception.

I ran into some traffic construction on my way in today which didn't help matters.

Once I got there we had to do 2 shows in order to get ready for taking a week off in December. The good news is my sweater was a big hit! The Cheerleader asked if she could borrow my outfit for our second show of the day. I would have agreed if it weren't for the pesky problem of being naked at work.

By the time I sat back down at my desk and though about eating it was 2:45.

I hate to leave work that late so I just suck it up and see what I can scrounge to eat. I have a drawer where I squirrel away chips and other tasty treats for just this situation.

But today we have a problem. I have had too many days like this so my supply was out. I also gave my last bit of cash to the makeup gal on the show so she could mail me some makeup so it was time to get creative.

Today that meant it was time to see how much change i had in my wallet and my desk drawer. Surprisingly I managed to come up with $1.85.

2 bucks could have gotten me a lunchable, or tuna salad and crackers but $1.85 that was going to be tricky.

I perused the vending machine looking to see what would tempt my taste buds.... veggie crackers or pepper jack cheese and crackers?

I decided to go out on a limb and try the pepper jack powdered cheese and crackers. I carefully slid my 8 dimes into the machine and hit the number. I watched as the coil slowly turned ever so slowly to dispense my 'lunch', and then it stopped, leaving my cheese and cracker packet hanging perilously in the balance.

Could this really be happening to me? I just scrounged all my change and carried it to the break room like a 7 year old 'how much can I get with this?" and my lunch is now taunting me behind the plexiglass.

Then just as I thought I was going to have to resort to kicking the front of the machine... it fell. Aaaahhhh I've never been so happy to see powdered cheese on a cracker.

Another successful vending machine lunch 2 hours before quitting time.



After my first bite into the cracker I knew this time around... change definitely was not good. They were awful. I know you can't expect much from powdered cheese but I didn't. I'll take fake veggies mixed with crackers any day of the week. I learned my lesson for sure.

I should plan ahead on weeks like these, but somehow I think I'll always rely on the kindness of strangers.... or maybe just the chefs we have on the show.

Day 170: A few shopping excursions

The alarm went off and I had a hard time getting up.

There is just something about being all cozy in bed and not having to get up to go do anything. Since that doesn't happen very often I like to plan it out if I can.

I'm not sure if it was a self fulfilling prophesy or if I just was planning ahead because I know myself, but I set the alarm early so I could curl up in bed and not have to rush to meet the wine guy this morning.

We met up for coffee and just some time to 'hang out'. We ended up wandering in and out of a few stores and I have to say he totally cracks me up.

Walking through the home store we started checking out coffee machines and true to form he was playing around with all of them goofing off. I had to laugh.

A little later, we were talking about the massive quantities of product in the store and saying when you come in it's difficult to stay on track... and you need to focus.

About a nano-second after I said 'you have to focus' he responded with 'oh look a marshmallow gun!'. Once again, I laughed... and replied with 'you have to focus!' LOL It couldn't have been planned any better, and the thing is it wasn't planned at all.

Very few people make me laugh out loud so humor is good. Patience and understanding are also good because I am difficult at best. Sure I'm low maintenance and down to earth but beyond that it can get ugly, but I am who I am.

We had to cut the day short but I was happy to have a few hours of his time.

All that shopping must have gotten into my subconscious because instead of heading home to curl up on the couch for the afternoon, I decided to hit the mall on the way home.

I told myself, it's going to be cold the next few days and I need some new long sleeve shirts.

I think I have a shopping problem. Recently I can't NOT buy things!

I ended up with a few shirts that were reasonably priced, but I also picked up a wool sweater that was waaay overpriced. Sure it's super cute but how many times am I actually going to wear it? There are possibly 4 cold days here a year!

From there I popped into the cell phone store to see if they have the latest blackberry phone. I certainly didn't need a new phone but I wanted to check it out so I could go and weigh the pros and cons and make an educated decision later.

Wouldn't you know it. I am eligible for a new phone and it was on sale with a rebate... how could I pass it up? Well I have no idea, because I didn't.

On some level I think the cell phone translates to our society in more than just a hip new gadget.

It's kind of like the joke the old man says about his wife 'I'm trading her in for a newer model.' The same holds true for our phones.

There was nothing wrong with my phone but I wanted one that was shiny, new and flipped for me! We all get sick of what we have and are enticed by the glitz and glamour of something new and exciting.

While I beat myself up for spending the money on something I didn't need, all I could think of was... what is wrong with me? I can't get into the Christmas spirit, I can't even contemplate buying my family gifts, yet here I am spending all of my hard earned cash on myself.

Sure there's nothing wrong with pampering yourself every now and then, but I've been doing it a lot and its so not cool to do it all during the holidays when you should be spending your money on others.

But I do have a fancy new phone and a cozy sweater to keep me warm on our cold days.

Not a bad shopping day all around, from the window shopping with the wine guy to supplementing my own wardrobe... it all worked out in the end.

Day 171: The hockey game

I woke up surprisingly early today, and I'm not sure why. I suppose it could be because my fabulous cat was curled up on my chest suckling himself earlier in the morning.

I don't know how it can bother me in my sleep but it does. I tried to get him to stop and eventually he got upset and left, and I went back to sleep.

Before I knew it, it was 7:50am and I was awake. A little while later I was surprised with a phone call from the wine guy. I laughed when he asked if I was still in bed, I laughed because on most days I probably would have been!

We chatted for a while and then he needed to get back to work, which was fine because I needed to get ready to meet the BFF for brunch and shopping for eyeglass frames.

I had convinced myself I need a new pair of glasses. I haven't worn glasses in years but my eyesight has been bothering me recently.

When I was home for my dad's birthday I went to the doctor who gave me a prescription but said it wasn't imperative that I have it filled.

The thing is, I tried on a pair of old glasses and they seem to fix the problems I'm having but the frames are outdated so I decided it was time for a new pair.

Besides a cool pair of frames can be both stylish and sexy right? In theory.

After trying on a few pair of frames I started to think they all looked like old lady glasses, and that meant I was starting to feel like an old lady. Crap! The plan was backfiring!

All the glasses I thought were cool looked bad on me and the ones that did look ok, looked like Sarah Palin glasses. I'm no Sarah Palin and I don't want to wear glasses that look like hers because its not my style.

I tried dark ones, light ones, small ones, smaller ones, wire rim, plastic framed, ones with bling, and plain ones... thankfully the BFF was there to give me her opinion because otherwise it would have taken hours.

Finally after a lot of trying we settled on a pair, but then I had to overcome the hurdle of feeling like I was getting old. The BFF is really good about that, she's great at deflecting with laughter and pretty much telling me to 'get over it', which works.

Before long it was time for me to get ready to meet the Coffee Fairy for the hockey game.

A mother and her 2 kids were sitting next to me, while the Coffee Fairy had some very serious fans sitting next to her. Toward the end of the game I could hear the lady next to me yelling 'come on ladies, lets get serious!' No she wasn't talking about us, she was cheering on the team!

Somehow I don't think calling a bunch of hockey players 'ladies' is going to get the desired effect, but somehow I think she would have fed her children to the wolves to get the team motivated, so I'm sure she didn't care.

During intermission the Coffee Fairy and I were talking about the Zamboni machines and trying to figure out how we could ride on them. She pointed out there were kids on there and maybe they wouldn't let us, but as luck would have it, the guy who have me the tickets stopped by so we asked him if we could ride on them.

He said 'sure! not tonight, but I can get you a ride on the Zamboni'. Score! I think we both just added one more thing to our bucket list!

I'm going to be fantasizing about that one for a while. I can just see the two of us gearing each other up for the big ride, laughing the entire time, all while trying not to fall off the fabulous machine.

Once again, I am reminded that I have a good job, and one that will give me the opportunity to do the crazy things I have only dreamed about.

I don't know whether it will actually happen or not because I think we were total jinxes for the game. After we arrived the home team scored 1 goal compared to the visitors 4. Based off that alone, I'll never get tickets again!

The entire game I was texting the wine guy, trying to include him in the action since I know he would enjoy it.

At one point I asked about getting together tomorrow, and he said 'do you want to get together?'

Crap! I knew that sideways glance had gotten me into trouble despite trying to explain it at the time. So I decided to explain again, in probably greater detail.

He really is patient with me. I've always known I'm not the easiest person to date, and my most recent history has made me even harder to date. He deserves a medal.

Day 172: The big night 'in'

I had a pretty relaxing day leading up to tonights big dinner with the wine guy.

I hit the grocery store to pick up a few things... well... everything for the dinner tonight because I don't have any groceries in the house.

After circling the store a few times to make sure I had everything I needed, I hopped in the checkout line.

As I grabbed my bags to walk to my car, I inadvertently stepped in front of an older guy wearing jeans and a wife beater with a cart and I apologized.

I told him to go ahead, and he said rather sarcastically 'no, you go', and then as soon as I turned my back I heard him say 'nice jeans'.

Seriously?! What a creepy old man checking out my ass, did I mention his younger lady and their kids were with him? I walked as fast as I could to get out of his eyesight, given his age I assume it happened pretty quickly.

From there it was time to head home and start getting ready. I had plenty of time, but I didn't want to get distracted and run out of time.

I had just barely hopped out of the shower when I heard a knock at the door. Surely it couldn't be him? He doesn't even have my address.

The knocking continued at which point I assumed it must be the BFF. So I quickly threw on some clothes and answered the door.

I was right, it was her. She stopped by to show me her new engagement ring! We've all known it was going to happen, but none of us knew when and I guess last night was the night.

The ring was gorgeous and she was glowing, I gave her a big hug. I couldn't be happier for her. She has been through a lot, especially these past few years and it's finally time she is happy.

I invited her in and she told me how it happened, we chatted a while and then she took off so I could finish getting ready.

After she left I had a moment of sadness, not because I feel like I'm losing a friend, it was more of a selfishness that set in. Thinking that should have been me, and now I have to start over again.

I shook it off and got ready for my date, I hopped in the kitchen and started cooking thinking the wine guy is probably going to be hungry because he's been at work all day.

By the time he got to the house, a haze had taken over the kitchen, actually it was more like smoke from the pancetta I was cooking.

As I was throwing everything into the pan he asked if I like to cook. I don't really have a good answer for that question. I don't mind cooking because I like to eat, but cooking can be a bit exhausting after a long day at work. I guess the answer is no because if I enjoyed it, I would do it even if I was tired.

I asked him the same thing, and of course he cooks, why wouldn't he? Then the pressure was really on.

I'm not sure if it was the nerves or the need to perform... but from there it just got worse, the spaghetti was cooking and before I knew it it was done, possibly over done. I quickly strained it and set it aside while I put the garlic bread in the oven.

When it was all said and done we were eating cold pasta, with a very disjointed sauce, and uncooked bread with globs of unmelted butter in the middle of the loaf.

Perfect. All I could think was 'way to show off your domestic skills'. I should have stuck with something I knew how to make instead of a new recipe that really wasn't a recipe at all.

He insisted it was good, but I know it could have been better, and I hate not doing things well.

After dinner we sat down to a movie, the choices weren't great but we settled on the Expendables, and the theme for the night continued.

The movie was not the greatest, it wasn't the worst but it was bad.

I decided to try to salvage the night with dessert. I can't screw up cannoli's that I bought from a nearby restaurant right? Wrong.

They were chocolate cannoli's but after we took a bite he discovered a cinnamon flavor that resembled a sort of 'red hot' candy taste. It was enough to throw us both off and we called it quits.

So my fabulous night in turned into quite the adventurous evening. But it wasn't a total disaster, we had a great time hanging out and snuggling on the couch.

When it came time to go he said we should get together on Sunday. For some reason this is the point where I start to second guess whether I have plans or not.

I don't think I do, but I don't trust my memory. I hate double booking and then having to cancel, because that's just not cool, so before agreeing I looked off to the side as if trying to avoid the question.

It's totally not the case, but that's how it comes off, and its something I clearly need to work on because I am sending the wrong message.

Day 173: Good eaters

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have more days off this week than I'm working. It's amazing. I think its going to feel like the longest weekend ever, because today feels like Sunday, which means I have 3 more Sundays before I go back to work.

I did my usual Thanksgiving morning routine. I got up fed the cats, and relaxed in front of the Law & Order marathon with a giant cup of coffee.

Ahhhhh... sheer bliss.

I had plans to go to a friend's sister in law's home for dinner but I had a few hours before I needed to make it there, so I got ambitious.

Last weekend I bought my first big girl Christmas tree and the box was still in the living room. There was no point moving the box knowing I would be putting it up this weekend.... and this morning it was staring at me, almost mocking me.

So I jumped up and went to work. It went so quickly I still had time to sit down and watch another Law & Order episode while I took a short nap.

When I walked in to the Thanksgiving dinner my friends weren't there yet. I do know the sister in law and her family because I've seen them at a few functions but it's never easy. I always have a hard time going to holiday gatherings at unfamiliar places. I just feel like an outsider.

But this wasn't horribly bad, a few minutes after I walked in, the sister in law walked in and I started to feel a little better. Before too long my friend and her family walked in with a co-worker.

I dont' know how or why I manage to do it, but every time I'm around massive amounts of food I seem to gorge myself. I did it a few weeks ago when I was home for my dad's birthday and now here I am again sitting down to the table with a plate mounded with food.

It reminds of me of my dad who likes to call me 'a good eater'. I very gentle way of saying 'she's my little pig'. I don't get my feelings hurt when I hear it, because it's true. I can't get upset when I'm doing what I'm accused of doing.

And that's what my good friend said today. She told me she enjoys eating with me because she knows she can eat what she wants, without any judgement. We're both midwestern girls who are not afraid of a good... big... of fattening meal, and we took full advantage of it today.

After going back for a second helping, I'm left sitting here 5 hours later still stuffed to the gills and I shouldn't even consider eating another morsel of food, yet I still want to take a bite out of the pumpkin pie in my fridge.

But I feel like if I do I'm going to explode... like a tick that's eaten waaaay too much.

I think a turkey coma is in order along with an early bedtime.

Day 174: The best intentions....

I woke up today and decided I was going to invite the wine guy to my house for dinner instead of us going out tonight.

We agreed earlier in the week to get together today, with the plans still up in the air.

Last night we discussed a few options with the intent of nailing down the plan today.

So on the way to work I sent him a quick text to see if he was up for some of my cooking. He agreed, and then I started to realize I didn't really think this one all the way through.

Sure I thought about inviting him to my house, and what that means, and how it's opening my home world to someone... but there was one very important thing I neglected to think about.

It is the day before Thanksgiving and I just agreed to cook and I don't have any food in the house.... great.

Perfect timing now I'm going to have to brave the grocery store for 4 ingredients, but I guess it's worth it.

About an hour after I got to work he called... something came up and he had to reschedule... I was relieved, now I was off the hook for the grocery store!

It actually works out very well for me now. I can either go tomorrow on Thanksgiving, or the next day, both days will likely be very slow.

On my way home from work I started thinking about what I was going to do tonight. I had read about this place in town that is supposed to be THE place to be on Thanksgiving eve.

I wanted to check it out and see what all the fuss was about, so I started making calls. The Cat Lady, the BFF, and the Encourager were all on my list.

I left one voicemail, and the other 2 said they would think about it or try but they would let me know. I left it up to the universe. If I was meant to be there one of my friends would have wanted to go. If not, no big deal.

By the time I got home I started researching the place to find out the dress code and to see what the place was all about.

Before I knew it one of the cats had curled up on my lap, after about 30 minutes I realized I wasn't going anywhere.

I knew it was a long shot to begin with but this really sealed the deal, and I was ok with it.

After I started reading about the place I decided I wanted to check it out on a less crowded day, and so it was done. So I spent this Thanksgiving eve at home relaxing with a glass of wine.

Despite my best intentions I was meant to be at home chilling by myself.

Day 175: The coffee shop... again

Is it written in the unofficial guy handbook that coffee shops are a great place to hit on girls?

I'm not going to lie, it's not a bad place to get a date, I'd be a hypocrite if I disagreed, but it's getting a little old to me.

While I sit here and say it's a bad idea, I suppose you can tell a lot about a person by the drink they order.

A double, half calf, non-fat, soy carmel macchiato extra hot, may be a bit much for a down to earth guy or girl.

But find someone who orders a drip with room, and that same person may be in luck.

Today I walked in and placed an order for myself and the Cheerleader.

While I was waiting for my drink, an older guy came over and started talking to me. I recognized him, he's in there a lot... a regular if you will.

In fact the last time I was in I thought I caught him checking me out. I was flattered but in a way that just makes you think 'that's nice' not 'holy crap that guy is checking me out... what do I do?'

So there he was this morning standing next to me. I saw him coming and recognized him right away.

He busted out the usual casual chit chat.... how are you this morning?

Me: 'good, good, how are you?'

Him: 'I'm good, do you have big plans for the holiday? (as he checked out my left hand for a ring)'

Me: 'I'm going to a friends house'

Him: 'You don't have family here?'

Me: 'No I'm from the midwest'

And it went on from there.... before long my drinks were up and I jumped at the opportunity for an excuse to cut the conversation short and move on with my day.

I didn't want to encourage him or give him any false hope.

He was an ok looking guy for his age, I just can't seem to wrap my head around dating a guy that old.

Not to mention, I'm running out of coffee shops on the way into work and I can't lose another one because I'm afraid of a post-date confrontation.

And I think he's retired! Why else would he be hanging out in there in the mornings when the rest of the world is going to work?

I'm starting to feel like I'm stuck in this sort of dating purgatory. I feel young, but I know I'm not and I don't want to date young guys. On the other hand, I'm scared to death to date someone who may be in his late 40's to early 50's.

I even have a hard time writing that! Wow! What is wrong with me?!

Am I having a mid-life crisis? What is my dating pool right now? I feel like it's this small range of guys between the ages of 38 and 42, but even the 42 weirds me out a bit.

I guess maybe I'm in the age range where you can be young at heart but look older than my dad, or you can be young and act old... then there are the guys who are going through their own midlife crisis trying to relive their adolescence.

What is the perfect age when you're approaching 40??

30's seem to young.... 40's seem too old... why is this age so difficult?? Maybe I'm the one being difficult... staring down this latest decade could be hurting more than helping at this point.

Day 176: A pleasantly surprising Monday

The day started with me trying to find pictures of surfing hippies to send to the Coffee Fairy.

Sadly all I could come up with were what appeared to be old Deadheads. This whole escapist dream was really not working for us.

Then just as I sent her a picture of a hairy ZZ top looking guy sitting with a cute girl, she immediately shot back a photo of Matthew McConaughey shirtless with a surfboard.... that's my girl!

She must have mad 'googling' skills, but then again I was searching surfing hippies and she was probably searching shirtless Matthew McConaughey. Did I mention she's also one smart cookie?

At work today I was trying to take care of a million things in record time.

I'm still not sure I have a handle on what I need to do but I certainly hope some sixth sense is kicking in and everything that needs to get taken care of is happening.

One of those things was following up with the marketing rep for the local hockey team about something in one of our upcoming shows.

He asked me to call him to discuss it, while we were talking I mentioned where I am from and we started chatting about sports.

Before the conversation was over he offered me tickets 6 rows behind the glass to an upcoming game. I thought about it for a minute, and then agreed to take them off his hands.

Why not? What else am I doing??

Actually my first thought was, the wine guy is a big hockey fan, it might be fun for us to go together.

I wasn't sure if he was available, but decided to take the chance and try to find someone else if he couldn't go.

How exciting! I have great seats to a hockey game!! I've been in the lower level before, but I don't think I've been 6 rows behind the glass.

I haven't been to a game in years! This could be really fun! I texted the wine guy after work, and unfortunately he wasn't available.

I was also texting the Coffee Fairy at the same time, and she happened to ask about the wine guy so I gave her a quick update and mentioned the tickets.

Then I asked if she wanted to go and she said yes. It's a far cry from the zen den we've been searching for with the hippie surfing commune but it may have its own place in our lives right now.

I figure all the hitting and smashing against the glass has it's own merits for dealing with our anger issues directed toward work.

However, once again I find myself dragging my friends along to something they couldn't have less of an interest in, just because I want to go.

Although they are big girls and if they didn't want to go, they wouldn't agree to go.

So there it is, the Coffee Fairy and I are going to a hockey game. Yes, a Thanksgiving to remember :)

Day 177: A laid back day

Today is all about the extra project. I met up with the chefs and we got down to business. We ate, we laughed, we drank espresso it was a good time.

I left with a piece of pumpkin pie, pancetta, and bacon. A random combination but hopefully I'll be able to find a way to put them all to good use somehow.

I did learn how to use the pancetta today and it looked surprisingly easy. Pancetta, olive oil, garlic and basil... maybe? Throw in some crushed tomatoes and you have some sort of Italian sauce I couldn't begin to try to name let alone spell it.

Once I was home one of my cats climbed onto my lap in obvious need of attention.... at least in his eyes.

At one point I had the laptop on the front of my lap, the cat on the back of my lap, and I had to see and wrap my arms around him to type.

I should have probably just stopped what I was doing but I may be just as stubborn as the cats unwilling to give up my spot.

Eventually I put the laptop away, and the little booger curled up and did his favorite thing. He started suckling himself. You have no idea how disturbing it is.

I do my best to try to curtail the behavior, but it ends up being a power struggle. I'm trying to put my hand between his mouth and his belly and he keeps trying to nudge me out of the way until he gets pissed off and runs away.

It happens in spurts, so thankfully it's not something I have to deal with on a daily basis.

The evening was spent texting with the wine guy. He makes me laugh and I'm still obviously intrigued although I'm not sure I know where I want it to go.

On one hand I think I'm afraid to let someone in, on the other maybe I should be completely 'gaga' and if it was right it wouldn't matter whether I was willing to open myself up to it.

Damn that tea leaf reader! If I hadn't gone to her I wouldn't be so concerned about this idealistic 'Prince Charming' which she says is coming.

Instead of just taking what the world throws at me and embracing it now I'm thinking ahead and trying to see into the future. I should know better... but for some reason I still want to know more! What is wrong with me? Haven't I learned my lesson yet?

It's funny one of the gals at work sent me an email asking to get the tea leaf reader on the show. I agreed, so now she is being put back into my world I wonder if there's a reason for that. Maybe I'm supposed to see her again.

The Coffee Fairy and I have talked about spitting a session with her as a little 'girls night out' experience but we haven't gotten around to doing it.

For some reason planning our fictional hippie surfing world seems to be a little more enticing these days.

Eh... only time will tell.

Day 178: A day with fabulous friends

All week I've been planning on taking a top down drive to a nearby lake.

Being up close with nature and the beautiful scenery with music playing is a great way for me to 'ground' myself.

For the first time ever I was going to invite someone along, but unfortunately the wine guy was busy.

I was still planning on going by myself... it's my thing... why wouldn't i? But then I got a text from a friend I don't get to see very often, did I want to join her for a day of shopping and lunch with her and her two kids.

I jumped at the chance! I love hanging out with her. She has the same effect as the drive to the lake for the most part, so it was a wash.

Not to mention I could take that drive any time, having lunch with a good friend only can sometimes be hard to come by.

I started off with mu usual weekend massage at the chiropractors office then it was off to the other side of town to meet up for a day of shopping.

I had a great time. She has some of the cutest and most well mannered kids on the planet. Her almost 3 year old speaks in sentences which completely cracks me up, and her 15 month old is just a little sweetheart.

I find myself forgetting how young the almost 3 year old actually is, until I say something sarcastic to her and she doesn't understand.

Today she asked if I liked chocolate and I said yes. She told me she likes chocolate too, and so does her mother, but not her dad.

I said 'that's crazy... who doesn't like chocolate?' She quickly replied with 'daddy doesn't like chocolate', and gave me a look like Hello... I just told you that... what are you an idiot??

I had to laugh, yes, evidently I am because I didn't realize you were not even 3! I have absolutely no experience with children and some days, like today, it is painfully evident.

From lunch and shopping with the family it was time for a quick drive back home then a short nap and then off to sushi with the Encourager.

Sushi was nice too. It was a day full of spending time with friends I don't get to see as often as I like.

Both ladies have a tremendous calming effect on me, and they also give me a great deal of perspective when dealing with any issues or any stress I may be having.

All in all it was a very successful and calming day... even without the drive. The day is a reminder to cut the drama out of my life.

I have a feeling there could be some drama the next three days with the amount of work that needs to be done and the time we have to do it, so maybe I can squeeze in that drive next weekend.

Day 179: A surfing hippie dreamland

Friday, Friday... oh how I love Friday.

The end of the week, the beginning of the weekend.

Between the show and everything else, the day got away from me. Before I knew it, it was 2:30 and I hadn't eaten lunch.

Instead of heading out to get something to eat I decided to partake in some vending machine cuisine. I popped over to the break room and then I took a break to talk to the Coffee Fairy.

She's had a rough week, full of more crazies than usual on the phone lines. Coming back from vacation is always hard, and I was having a hard time jumping into things.

Since we were both in the same boat, we decided we need to escape our jobs and our lives and be hippies.

'Material things are overrated', she said. I agreed. Then she said 'where can we find hippies?'

I said, 'Up north, I think they're everywhere up there'.

She replied with 'Then let's go... right now... I was ready yesterday! My car's right outside.'

Sadly responsibility kicked in for the both of us and we decided we probably shouldn't just leave our jobs without giving notice.

Some hippies we are! We have to plan our hippi-ness!

I spent the drive home listening to Jack Johnson, which always puts me in an escapist state of mind, and then it hit me... the Coffee Fairy and I both love the beach so we definitely need to find a commune of surfing hippies!

I immediately sent her a text. 'You're a genius!' she replied back.

Now I certainly don't think I'm a genius, but I do think it's a good plan.

We went back and forth playing into the scenario.... yes we definitely need young surfers... hey, if it's a dream we're going all out!

Where can we find those?? The Coffee Fairy suggested Australia... I don't know if they have young hippie surfing communes down under but it's worth a shot! If nothing else we'd get a good trip out of the deal.

As long as we're dreaming, why not ask for a Matthew McConaughey and a Brad Pitt?? Yes, that's what we need. The Coffee Fairy upped the ante by suggesting a young Sean Connery too!

We were on a roll! This fictional world was starting to get us both very excited about the possibilities of a stress free world surrounded by golden glistening muscle bound hippies.

Somehow I think if we actually found this fictional dreamland, we probably would not make it our home. But it certainly might be a nice place to visit long term.

Aaahhh dare to dream :)

Day 180: Good times with friends

When I walked into work the red light on my voicemail was lit.

Before the crazy lady started calling I didn't dread seeing it as much as I do today.

There's no way to avoid it so I might as well just listen. Sure enough, two more calls, about 2 hours apart.

I'll give her an 'A' for persistence that's for sure. Today there was a little more clarity in her thoughts, she is still talking about the entities and poltergeists but evidently now she needs a book editor and I'm the one she has targeted for the task.

What a beautiful way to start the day. Every time I get one of these calls I am reminded how crazy the rest of the world is, and I have to tell the Coffee Fairy about it.

She should be given a medal for her patience. She talks to them all day every day. When I started to tell her I had a few more calls from her she piped in with a few stories of her own.

I love her stories! Evidently there is an insomniac that like to call... the Coffee Fairy says every message starts with 'hey guys, can't sleep... ' and then he proceeds to talk until the voice messaging system cuts him off and he does this over and over again all night.

She said she's going to send me one of his messages so I can hear it... I can't wait. Every once in a while you get those calls where you just want to know or see the person on the other end of the phone. This is one of those cases. My lady on the other hand... not so much.

After work I was meeting up for a little 'girls night'. We were going to a holiday shopping extravaganza. It was myself, Perky, the BFF and her sister, a nice low maintenance group.

We walked in and just as I suspected it was a lot of jewelry and fashions set up inside an outdoor tent at a resort.

We heard rumblings there was a 'sexy Santa' running around. I laughed and said 'yeah I'll need my picture taken with him'. Just a few short minutes later we saw him.... he must have been all of 20, and he was working it.

He was trying to make sexy eyes as he asked if we wanted a candy cane from the basket he was carrying, but it really wasn't working for him.

The BFF asked if I still wanted my picture taken... I immediately answered 'no'. Holy cow I'd feel like a pedophile!

We agreed to walk around and meet up at a specific time. I started off on my journey and kept getting run over by other women. As soon as I'd see a table I wanted to check out, sure enough before too long a gaggle of gals would come up and crowd the space. That's my cue to leave.

Too many women drive me absolutely bonkers. I can't handle the constant chitter chatter and pushy, self centered-ness of it all.

So I took off down an aisle that seemed to be empty. Then I saw my favorite boutique ladies. They have been on the show before and I bought my favorite bracelet from them at Fashion Week a while back.

Ahhh... a break from the insanity.. not to mention cute jewelry! I have been looking for a cute black bracelet and I knew I could find one in their mix. So I started looking, and before I knew it, a wave of ladies came by. I thought about chucking it all and moving on, but I held strong, and before I knew it they were gone.

I ended up with 2 more bracelets from them before heading on to another booth to check out even more bracelets. It was a bracelet bonanza for me! I think I have an illness, why so many bracelets? I feel naked if I'm not wearing one these days and I have no idea where that comes from.

After the shopping excursion we headed out to eat. where the conversation turned to moms. I feel for these 3 ladies. Perky's mom is coming to live with her for a few months.... the BFF and her sister's mom lives very close to them and she wants to see them all the time.

I have the luxury of a few state buffer from my mom, not that it matters, we're all pretty independent and do our own thing. And my mom doesn't really drive me that crazy... but it could be because she's so far away.

Later the conversation turned to dreams, and the BFF mentioned one where she was a teacher, and Mathew McConaughey was also a teacher. She said 'I have no idea why Mathew McConaughey was in my dream and if he was... why wasn't he naked?!'

We all laughed... and I think we chimed in with 'and why weren't there bongos?!'

As we got up to leave Perky told us the bartender across the restaurant heard the BFF's comment about the naked McConaughey and he looked up as if he was stunned to hear those words out of a woman's mouth. That made us all laugh a little louder.

After spending an evening of shopping with a bunch of what I would call 'crazy women' it was nice to round it all out with some quiet time, and good conversation between good friends.

Day 181: The dreaded doctor's appointments

Today I have a doctors appointment for a routine checkup.

I'm generally healthy but the older I get the more I dread going to the doctor, because you never know what is going to spew forth from their mouths about how your body is going to turn against you.

It is definitely teaching me the lesson of appreciating my youth. Too bad I didn't know all this 10 years ago, or if I did know it, too bad I didn't believe it.

Getting older isn't going to change so I might as well embrace it. I'm trying to treat it like an adventure combined with the game of Clue.

What's that you say? My eyesight is going to go bad in the next few years? Great! I'll keep an eye out for those signs, oh yeah, that's right... I won't be able to see it coming because I'm losing my sight. Perfect.

Next year you're going to have to have your boobs smashed between 2 metal plates. I can't wait for that one! As if there isn't enough humiliation in my life on a regular basis.

Then there's the things you don't see coming. What is happening to my butt, and why can I feel the bottom of my boobs on my chest?

You notice the subtle changes but are they worth mentioning, or are you just having a bad day? Before you know it everything is six inches off the ground and you realize it wasn't just a bad day.

Last week I went to the eye doctor. He mentioned 'readers' in the next few years... great. There's nothing that will make you feel old like a pair of drug store glasses.

Making it even worse was when my doctor told me he would suggest when the time comes I get a half pair so I can look over the top to see far, and look down through the lenses to see up close. Oh... please... make -- it -- stop!

Then today the gynecologist confirmed what my aunt was saying at my dads birthday party. Even if I don't want to be... I should be barren.

I walked into his office today and sat down, there sitting on his desk were some stuffed animals that looked a little like dog toys.

I picked one up and said 'I see you've got some stuffed animals'... he replied with something you are thankful only your doctor will say 'oh yeah, those are my menagerie of STD's'.

Yikes!! I immediately threw it down as if it was contagious. Why in the world would anyone make stuffed STD's?? From that point on I was a little thrown off.

After I got over my slight trauma we went through the usual barrage of questions. How is everything? Anything new or different? Anything you have questions about? Are you sexually active?? I gave him the same answer I've given him for many years... 'no'.

Then I followed it up with 'but I hope to be... the tea leaf reader told me Prince Charming is coming'' He must think I'm a total nut job. Thankfully he laughed.

Then we went on to discuss birth control options 'just in case' Prince Charming does come around. I had heard there were some concerns with older women (ugh... like myself) and birth control pills so I wanted to address that.

He said 'at your age.. birth control is much safer than the alternative'. Great... another dig... I guess my parents will not ever have grandchildren.

Ok so it's not like I'm ready to run out and have a kid but I did want to know what my options were, and evidently I don't have any. I hate it when someone tells me I can't do something... whether I want to do it or not... this is a prime example.

In most recent years I have been saying 'it's not up to me, if I higher power wants me to have children it will happen' and I do believe that, as much as I hate the phrase here goes 'whatever is meant to be.... will be' and at least now I know.

Not to mention I get to keep my girlish figure... thats a bonus!

Back to work and because of my doctors appointment I was going to work late.

I thought the timing could work out well with a pinot noir wine tasting at a local restaurant. It just happens to be the same restaurant the wine guy and I met at a while back. The one where we ended up eating with the PR gal all night.

He was going, and asked if I was, I thought about it, but after my day of stuffed animal STD's, working late and just one day off vacation I decided against it.

Not to mention my cats were out of food, and somehow drinking wine while my cats were starving sounded like a bad idea.... maybe it is a good thing I don't have children!!

By the time I got home I had changed my mind. It would have been nice to see the wine guy, and enjoy some wine too. I'll have to settle for my couch, my cats, and my own wine.

Day 182: The circus of work

Aaaahhhh, back to work.

Sometimes going on vacation is more of a pain than it is a privilege. Getting ahead before you go, and catching up after you're back sometimes makes you wonder if it's all worth it.... this time it was for sure.

A few of our regular guests and co-workers make it easy to come back.

I was happy to see the Encourager on the show today. She is always so upbeat and happy, and she has such good energy it makes her fun to be around.

It made coming back to work a little happier.

Today was one of those shows that make you love your job... it also makes you feel like you're working in a 3 ring circus.

I was fielding calls from a lady talking about entities, Poltergeists and a book... she needed help today.... she was going to die... I needed to call her immediately.

I had several voicemails from her, some were a little more coherent than the others, but none made any sense whatsoever.

Who in the world would send this call to me?? There's no way she had my name and number, in the first call she didn't mention a name but she must have had enough clarity to pick it up from my outgoing message.

Thankfully I learned a long time ago not to answer my phone unless I am expecting a call, or I recognize the number.

The Grinch also stopped by the studio and true to his Grinch form he belched, showed his rear end, and may have even farted on the air. It was hysterical!

And it was definitely one of those moments where you say 'is this my job?'

When the show was over I chatted for a bit with the Coffee Fairy. She was having one heck of a day. Everyone was calling the station upset about some network programming.

They were upset about the results of a reality show we air, as if there is something we can do about it!

People are crazy! They call us for anything. I once had a guy call me in the middle of the night asking me how to keep his pipes from freezing.

That's crazy on so many levels. The first being I live in the desert, our pipes don't freeze, and secondly just because I work at a tv station doesn't mean I have the answer to every question on the planet.

We are not Wikipedia!

I don't know how the Coffee Fairy deals with all the crazies all day, every day. She deserves a medal as does everyone in her position.

At least she got to hang out with the Grinch today.

Day 183: My half birthday

It's my half birthday, I can't believe I'm 6 months away from the next decade of my life.

I spent the day on a plane sitting between an 82 year old mother and her nearly 60 year old daughter, but it was a struggle getting on the flight.

My sister and I always try to coordinate our flights so there is less travel to and from the airport. Today I was the early flight which means she had to sit around and wait.

I on the other hand, was cutting it close. i had 45 minutes which I thought was plenty of time, but I was wrong.

I grabbed my boarding pass and headed straight for the very long security line.

By the time I made it up to the xray machine I had everything ready... liquids and gels... check! laptop... check! Shoes and jacket off... check!

I was in good shape, but when I got to my turn in line everything came to a screeching halt.

The security guard either wasn't paying attention or he was on a power trip because he kept asking questions about very obvious things.

'Do you have any liquids, gels, or lotions?'

'Yes, they are right here in this bag'

'Where is your laptop?'

'It's right here in this separate plastic bin'

All the while I am watching the clock tick down to my flight time.

I'm perfectly calm, just a tad bit annoyed.... then he said 'come on... smile!' Are you kidding me?? Bizarro world!

When I made it through security another security guard was trying to read the label in my shoe. I have no idea what in the world is going on at this point, but I looked up and saw my sister and the distraction was nice.

I gathered my belongings and started off toward the gate, by the time we found it I looked at the boarding signs and they were boarding C #'s.... all that work to get a B boarding number went to waste. I was at the end of the line.

By the time I got on the plane there was no room in the overhead bins so I took the first available seat and I landed between the mother and daughter pair.

They were a nice pair of ladies and it was nice to bond with a couple midwesterners.

Toward the end of the flight the inevitable questions came up. 'what do you do?' so we filled each other in on our work and then the daughter started talking about her husband who had recently passed on.

I felt compelled to tell her about my experience. For some reason in my head I feel maybe it's comforting for them to know they aren't alone, that someone understands and can empathize.

But it is a little weird that's for sure, not many people bond with complete strangers over death.... on a plane of all places... a plane!

On the way to my parents house the lady next to me had to do the cross sign and say a prayer before giving a white knuckle grip on the arm rest as we were landing.... a plane is not the greatest place to mention death.

But... I did... at least I wasn't the first one to bring it up.

As I walked off the plane she was waiting for her mother who was behind me.... and she looked at me and said 'take care of yourself' and I knew it was more than just a phrase you say, she really meant it.

I responded with 'good luck to you' and we left it at that. The unspoken words within our pleasantries were enough to calm our minds and bond us i some strange way.

On this six month mark of the last year ini my 30's it gives me all the more reason to live it up these next few months.

Day 184: The post birthday hangover

The birthday is over and it's time to wind down.

I spent the day sleeping in, and relaxing.

But I forgot about one very crucial detail of the day... cleaning up after the party. We ended up back at the party location packing up the extra food and all the other goodies we left behind.

After that my parents had a 50th anniversary party to go to then my sister and I were going to go Christmas shopping with my mom.

Instead we ended up napping and watching football all day.

There was so much food leftover we felt obligated to eat... and eat... and eat.

Green bean casserole, candied carrots, potato casserole, chicken covered with cheese, pork tenderloin, salad, rolls, and cobbler.

We gorged ourselves.. twice!

I haven't eaten that much food in one day in a really long time.

While my belly and my pants didn't appreciate it, it was good for my psyche to sit back and relax.. snoozing when I could and eating anything and everything I could.

Only 1 more day off and then work is going to take off.

Day 185: The big birthday is here... my dad's that is...

The big birthday is here! We've been talking about doing this for nearly a year and the day has finally arrived. My mom, who is usually a control freak, put us in charge with no direction. We were free to do what we wanted with the decorations and the setup of the location.

My sister and I went to work, we used fall leaves from the backyard to place in the center of the table surrounding frames of old photos of my dad in various stages of his life and props to symbolize his activities or jobs.

It was nice, and simple, very much my father. He doesn't like to be singled out as the center of attention but he does like to be acknowledged so this was perfect. He's also a very resourceful guy so using things around the house as his decorations was also very fitting.

The room was decorated and we were getting close to the start time of the party so we sent my brother home to get the birthday boy and make sure he actually showed up. A few minutes after my brother left, my dad walked in. Typical for him. All he kept saying was 'is it over yet' and 'cancel the party' which made us think we may have to drag him there, but deep down he was pretty happy about it I think.

So I gave my brother a quick call to make sure he didn't spend his time searching the house and all dads little hiding places to track him down when he was already there.

At 2 o'clock people started arriving and before too long we had a good crowd going. My aunt, my dad's only surviving sibling, was one of the first to arrive. She is a real piece of work. She is a short little thing who used to be tiny but like most, has gained some weight with age.

She came up to me and said hello then I could hear her saying 'I wish I was that little', 'look at those two (my sister and I), they haven't had any babies that's why they're so little'. I get it, my sister and I are not big people but do you have to point it out to the rest of the room? It's weird! It's as if we are freaks of nature because we are thin and there must be a reason for it… oh yes that's right it's because we're barren!! Where am I? 1922?

I know plenty of women who have popped out several kids who are much smaller than I am, it can't just be that we are genetically built this way.

A little later during dinner someone said something about grandkids and my dad said 'my grandkids don't to that either'. This threw her off for a second and then she said 'oh that's right you don't have any grandkids… and your'e probably not going to have any'.

What?! Back to the barren thing! Why is this such a big deal?!

Do I need to have a child to validate my existence? Would they prefer that I just have a kid without being married so my parents can have grandkids?

I haven't led the most conventional life, so what? I could have had kids but the man I was going to marry died which kind of puts a damper on your plans in life. Could we have some compassion please?!!

Not to mention, I could still have kids, women do it every day. The last time I checked 40 is not the cut off age for having children, in fact, I just found out this weekend my grandmother had my father when she was 43 and she had his sassy sister when she was 47 and that was 80 years ago!! So what the heck is she talking about?!

I don't know why this has elicited such a dramatic response from me. I'm not some freaky girl who sits around worrying about her biological clock and the amount of eggs she has left.

I'm not the girl who grew up wanting children who feels my life will not feel full without them. I'm happy with what I have and if a child gets thrown into the mix through a relationship, having one myself or adopting so be it. I just don't know why it is such a big deal?!

Maybe I am a freak because I don't feel the need to procreate, but why can't you just be a happy single woman without a child?

Day 186: Tag team shopping

The clock is ticking and my sister and I are under the gun to get the decorations for the planned and organized so we headed out to the nearest party store which was 30 minutes away and when we got there it had closed.

So what are 2 girls going to do... we decided to relieve our pain and anxiety with a little retail therapy of our own of course!

We headed into the shoe store and went to work.

I don't know what I was thinking, my bag is so jam packed I can't fit anything more in it but I wasn't going to let that stop me.

I found a cute pair of brown flats to replace the ones I have that are very 'loved'.

Then i started eying a pair of boots. I don't need another pair of boots. I have booties, shoeties, calf boots in black, brown, and camel… pink boots, even short mid-calf boots dressy; and casual and I live in the desert!

The last thing I need is another pair of boots, but they were really cute :) I decided to pass mainly because they absolutely will not fit in the bag. Although I could wear them and try to fit the smaller shoes in the bag…. hmmmm…. I could go back I guess.

After our shoe shopping excursion we took off to find a party store, armed with a GPS and that's about it.

I looked in every category in the GPS to find a party store, and came up empty. Since I don't know the specific names of any party stores here I was out of luck. So I jumped on my phone and tried it's GPS system. Voila! I had the names of several party stores, so I called one and asked if they had what we needed or if they were more of a rental store.

A lady answered the phone 'hello'.

I asked 'is this the party store?' she replied 'yes', so I proceeded to let her know we were from out of town but were planning a party and what we were looking for… she let me know her store was no longer in business but filled me in on a few other stores to help us in our search.

Only in the midwest are people this friendly and helpful…. ok maybe its not the only place where it happens, but there is something about that midwestern mentality, they really kick in to help.

We found the store and got most of what we wanted and a little more, creating ideas as we walked through the store. It's good that we think alike it makes things a lot easier.

There were still a few more things to get so we headed out to the nearest discount chain to grab them. Once inside I remembered I needed to get an SD card for my camcorder.

So we popped into the electronics department where I started nosing around to find what I needed.

I only saw 2, which surprised me. About the time I was going to go in search of help I heard an older gentleman say 'do you need some help?'

I was in luck! So I started in 'yes, are these the only SD cards you have?' before the question was even fully out of my mouth he had walked past me to the end of the aisle. I didn't even see anyone standing there!

It's like we were invisible! We were the only 2 people in relative proximity to the man it was mind boggling! We both started laughing, and my sister says that happens to her a lot too.

It's no wonder I have a complex that people don't know me or don't recognize me.

The rest of our shopping excursion went very well. We were a well oiled machine honing in on each item. If I didn't know where it was she did…. so we were darting in and out of aisles picking up the scavenger hunt list of items… kool-aid… jello… gingerly…. dinner mints… nuts.

It was a team effort, it was the quickest I have ever been able to finish shopping. If I was there by myself I would have criss crossed the store 14 times and it would have taken an hour and a half. It makes me appreciate being a team, and having a list to follow too.

We were done, and now all I needed was an SD card. I gave up after being ignored at the last store, and there was a large electronics retailer very nearby so we decided to head over there.

What a difference! I felt a little like royalty. I think were were in the store all of 15 - 20 minutes and I had 4 people ask me for help. It was a little too much…. there is something to be said for moderation.

So much for the complex right?

Day 187: The veterans dinner

It'w Veterans Day and my sister and I joined my mom and dad at the VFW hall for dinner.

We walked in, my mom and dad went their separate ways to socialize leaving my sister and I to find a table.

We headed for what we thought was a back table, which ended up being a front table. When we sat down I saw a rather inconspicuous styrofoam cup filled with water, so I moved it and we sat down.

At that point I noticed people starting to look at us funny, as if we didn't belong. Ok so I know I'm not a veteran but its not like we walked in off the street for a free meal. I know people here, I'm with people here.

A little later an older woman told us we had taken her and her husbands seats. They sit there all the time, we were in 'their seats' and the cup was the place marker. We apologized profusely and quickly moved to a different table.

The place was pretty full, then we spotted an empty table at the back next to the food table and we happened to know the older gentleman sitting there. He and my dad have been friends for a long time, so we asked if we could sit with him.

He agreed and we started chatting. He was drinking bourbon while the rest of us were stuck with coffee, water or tea.

I like this guy. He's pretty funny. He spends part of his year in the nursing home, but he certainly doesn't buy into their rhetoric.

He just kept saying 'when your in the nursing home, you do what the nursing home tells you to do' followed up by a quick comment about not liking medication… bourbon is his medication… then a little more about doing what the nursing home tells you to do.

I got the impression he didn't take direction very well, which I liked. I like strong bullheaded people. Perhaps because I'm a taurus, not to mention irish and german theres really no way for me to escape being stubborn and thick headed.

Which I pretty much told the old guy. I said I come from a long line of thick headed people and pointed to my dad. The old guy just laughed, and laughed. He thought that was one of the funniest things of the night.

Before too long it was time to eat and low and behold they told us our table was the first to go because we were closest, oh and because we were sitting with the oldest guy in the room at the ripe old age of 98. He also just happens to be the oldest veteran in the county.

Ok great we can't win! First we're evicted from our seats then we try to find one far far away, and we end up being some of the first in line on veterans day in a room full of veterans! Now we look like total schmucks…. but there was nothing we could do about it.

Before too long some woman said to my sister, 'Ethel May is the next oldest here, she should have gone second!' My sister quickly replied with 'yes, she should have'.

Then I heard someone say 'did Bob get to go through the line first?' In my mind all I could think was 'oh no of course he didn't, the 2 younger vagrant girls who walked in off the street for a free meal knocked the 98 year old veteran out of the way so that they could get to the food first.' YES!! He go to eat first!

Sometimes this town drives me crazy. I'm very glad I've got a good filter because I would be in a LOT of trouble if I didn't bite my tongue half the time.

After dinner was over, we were in a small group talking before heading out the door and someone farted, but everyone ignored it as if it didn't happen. It was like I was in an episode of the twilight zone... what the heck was happening?? It was absolutely crazy!

Then I started to think about it and getting older, and maybe I'm over-thinking this whole 40 thing. I can't wait to get old!

You can bitch at people and speak your mind no matter how ridiculous the statements, and you can pass gas in public without anyone even blinking an eye, not to mention smuggle in booze into dinner... what's not to like?!

Day 188: Back home for the big party

After months of thinking and planning, talking and plotting the weekend of my dad's 80th birthday has arrived and there is no rest for any of us... but that's ok because it needs to be special for him.

My sister picked me up from the airport and immediately started in with the barrage of stories. She came in a week before me so she had plenty of time to spend with my dad before the party.

They had been running all over the state going to meetings, parties, dinners, you name it they did it.

My favorite story is when my dad found out about the party. We tried our hardest to keep it a secret but he is not the easiest to surprise.

He's a bit nosey, and he's pretty sharp so nothing gets past him, but we had made it this far and for that we were pleasantly surprised.

In my hometown the paper comes out once a week and my mom put an ad inside telling people about the reception on his birthday.

As my sister tells it, he picked up the paper yesterday and started to read it, which is the standard procedure in the house.

He read about a pancake breakfast, a wedding, and some other activity that was going on that she was going to miss because it happened after we left... then he got quiet.

And he grunted, which is again, what he does... frequently. He was reading the ad about his party then I think he said something like 'there's a party for me, did you know about this?'.

I think my sister said something to the effect of 'yes we were in on it'.

He replied with 'cancel it', but deep down we know he is happy to have the party.

I think we're all a little alike that way.... my sister, brother, myself and my dad. We like a little attention but we certainly don't like to be singled out as the center of attention.

Because of that we need to make sure we handle this the right way, and we're all on the same page which is a good thing.

When I got home he and my mom were heading out to a meeting and they asked if my sister and I wanted to go, I was pretty tired so I declined.

My mom suggested my sister and I stay home together so we could catch up, then my brother chimed in with some comment about party planning.

My dad quickly said 'then let's take one of them!' We all laughed, he is the king of one liners!

I was kidding with him a little bit and poked him in his stomach, a little later my sister told me his stomach as been a little tender and my heart sank.

I immediately thought of Mr Wonderful and didn't want to go there. My dad has battled different forms of cancer over the years but still looks better, and gets around better than any guy his age.

But I know some day that will all change. I can't bear to go through it again, but I know eventually I will have to say goodbye but I certainly don't like to think about it.

Unfortunately due to past experiences, every ache and pain he has seems to force me down that road, much like I do with everyone I know.

I hate that I'm this paranoid and worry about it but I can't help it, it's what I do... at least until I can get this out of my brain which may never happen.

Day 189: The Target flirt :)

What a long day... meeting with the boss a station meeting and trying to get ahead of the game before vacation is a lot to pack into one day.

Speaking of packing... it's approaching midnight and I haven't even busted out a bag.

Unfortunately the Coffee Fairy's plan of throwing everything black into a bag isn't going to work this time, because I haven't done my 'darks'.

I am just going home, so I suppose I could take my dirty clothes and wash them at my parents house. I realize I'm 39 years old and that really shouldn't be an option but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Or I could just take the more realistic approach of not planning what I'm going to wear because I will only have a few small events to go to where it will make a difference. My dad's birthday celebration, church, and the flight home.

But I am excited to take my brand new motorcycle jacket with me, because I think it may actually be cold enough to wear it there.

So now I can relax, all I need is 2 pair of jeans, a few t-shirts and 2 outfits and I'm golden. The rest of my days will be filled with comfy clothes... or at least I hope they will. I always look forward to completely vegging out when I'm home.

My bigger stress is trying to find someone to medicate my cat while I'm gone. I've got my 2 standby's who are always good if they are in town.

One of them is good but the BFF called tonight and had a few things come up so I need to find someone for her days.

Perfect... and I thought cats were low maintenance. Most are, but certainly not mine. That just wouldn't be fair. Why is it I end up with the 1 1/2 year old cat who needs medication twice a day.

There must be an underlying life message for me to learn somewhere in there, which will become evident at some point I guess.

After work I was running all over town trying to finish up the last minute errands I didn't get to over the weekend.

Winter is a double edged sword here. It's nice because the weather is cooler, but it sucks because when you're spending time outdoors it's dark and you feel like you should be at home.

That was the case tonight. The last thing I wanted to do was be driving around town picking up my dry cleaning and tampons but that's where I was at tonight.

As I was checking out at Target I heard this little voice behind me saying 'hello'... 'hello'.... I turned to look and there was this curly haired little guy sitting in the cart.

I'm not sure if he was directing his greeting to me or the cashier but she wasn't paying attention to him and so I decided to jump in and say hello back. He seemed to appreciate me acknowledging him.

After I paid and grabbed my bag I was about 5 feet away from the counter and I heard the little voice again... this time he was saying 'bye'... 'buh buy'. He was absolutely adorable, of course I waved goodbye and headed out the door.

Now that was well worth the trip into the store, even after a long day at work and the darkness surrounding me outside.

As I walked to the car I couldn't help but laugh a little bit to myself given my past year full of youngsters hitting on me and in some cases dating me.

Wow they are getting younger... if only he was 20 years older... lol.

Day 190: The self-appraisal

There is no more putting it off, I need to do my self-appraisal for my annual review.

I told my boss I would be finished when he got back from his corporate retreat this week, but I needed a few more details in order to finish.

He agreed and then asked if we could meet tomorrow before my vacation.

Great.. The last few times this has happened to me my bosses gave me my critiques before a vacation because they knew they could bash me and then not have to deal with me for a week while i stewed somewhere else.... so that is of course in the back of my brain.

I really hope that doesn't happen this time. I know it's a long shot but the PTSD is stuck in my brain and it's hard to turn that switch sometimes.

Sunshine is about to kill me because I keep getting anxious about it. She brought up a very good point. The boss always comes out and asks for my opinion on a lot of topics which in turn means he values my opinion. I had to agree with her, even though I hadn't noticed the trend.

Ok, that made me feel better. My previous boss thought I was a slow producer, and didn't value anything I said. Talk about killing your self worth. This is what I do for a living, and I have always been praised for my work up until I I started working for her.

it's nice to be appreciated again and feel like I do make a difference, or at least that's what I hope will happen.

It's amazing what a difference one person can make in your attitude.

Even though I'm pretty sure I'm in his good graces, I still feel the need to defend myself in the appraisal. Whatever... it's not like they are handing out any raises so I don't know why I care.

Once at home it was time to break open a bottle of wine and get to work with all the finishing touches. It didn't work very well. I managed to get the document open and stare at it a while but that was about it.

I was more interested in chitty chatting on the phone and watching tv, so that is what I did, and its much better for my psyche.

Day 191: My beach mentality

I have a lingering thought in the back of my brain that I need to text the Cowboy. Not anything traumatic, but I feel like the karmic dating gods are going to come back to haunt me if I'm not an adult with my dating.

My most recent thoughts are that I don't owe anyone an explanation after one date, but on the other hand, he is a really nice guy who did take me to lunch.

Maybe he does deserve to at least know it's not something he did, but that I'm the one who doesn't quite know what I want. I do know I'm not interested in him, but beyond that I'm not quite sure I guess.

Not to mention I am having a good time with the wine guy, and we've established it's not fair to any of the guys if I'm dating more than one at the same time.. it's not like I'm on the Bachelorette for goodness sake.

I put it in the back of my brain... for the bazillionth time and get on with my busy day.

First on the checklist... off to get my new favorite cup of iced coffee.

I hopped in the car and immediately put the top down, and cranked the Jack Johnson... and I was off for a spiritual awakening.

Ok, so it wasn't quite that transformational, but I have to say there is nothing quite like a car ride with the top down and good music to clear my head and boost my mood. The coffee doesn't hurt either.

I'm obsessed with this coffee. There is something about it that I can't put my finger on. At first I thought it was a hint of vanilla, today I'm almost convinced it's a hint of orange. Whatever it is... it's like crack!

Every time I go in to get one I try to garner one more hint about what makes it so delicious. Today I told the clerk this was my newest weekend indulgence and I'm addicted to it... he said 'oh yeah we put coke in it'.

I immediately perked up... 'what? what was that?' He must have thought I was offended because he backed away and got really quiet 'I'm just kidding' he said. At that point I realized what he said and I laughed.... and I think he understood.

On the way home I had a moment where I wanted to escape. Maybe it was the Jack Johnson combined with the cool breeze and the bright sun, or it could have been my subconscious telling me I need to be near the water, but there was this moment of wanting to be living on an island somewhere.

I don't know what causes it but it seeps into my brain every now and then. Once again I'm going with the only time will tell theory of how my life will play out.

I may end up feeling this way the rest of my life when I feel stressed and in need of a vacation, or I could end up throwing it all away and living on the beach.

I opt for chucking it and living on the beach.... braiding hair... making cocktails and renting boogie boards to tourists.

Day 192: A busy and relaxing day

I have never been so happy to see a Saturday. Ok at least in recent memory I guess.

Massage, party, then meeting the wine guy.... I had a good day planned.

When I pulled out of my driveway to head to my massage I was reminded I was out of gas... perfect.

Then as I drove down the road I saw my neighbors had 9 tables set up in their front yard, and each had about 8 chairs at it.... great.... there's going to be a party tonight.

Party means loud music, people parking in front of my house and me getting anal about where they are parking and what is going to happen.... it all equals no relaxing for me. I'm going to have to learn to share and give up control eventually.

The massage was great, but I had a new girl this time around. She did a good job, but she used a LOT of massage oil. I felt like a greased pig!

When I got up to leave I could see giant grease marks on the sheet. SO not attractive. I wanted to go home and shower off all the oil. Once at home the oil sank into my skin and where it didn't I was able to grab a makeup remover cloth and clean myself off.

Then it was off to the party. When I walked in I saw one of my former co-workers who was laid off in the big cut backs, then I looked across the table and saw a fellow producer from my news days. Wow! What a surprise to see her, it had been about 3 years I think!

I stayed for a while and then filed out with the rest of the peeps. Even though I left with everyone else at the time the party was shutting down I still felt like I wasn't there long enough. I could have stayed longer, but I had plans with the wine guy.

We were meeting at the 'farm' for a wine event. I was excited to see him again outside of the work restrictions.

I'm a much different person in and around work and while I appreciate meeting up during work because there's no other time to do it.... and it's that or nothing.... I'd much rather meet outside of work.

We tasted wine and hung out while he worked a little... all in all... another good time... with a few laugh out loud moments.

After a quick make-out session, which was pretty nice I must say., we looked out and saw a beautiful sunset starting to form. It was a romantic moment.... but sadly it was time to go home. I kind of wanted the night to continue but I was really tired too, so going home was good.

I was surprised to see my neighbor's party hadn't started when I pulled into the house, and even as I sit here at 930 I still don't hear any music.

I don't know if that's a good sign.... no one showed up.... or a bad sign... they're all showing up really late and the music will be going all night long.

Only time will tell on that one.

Day 193: Living up to the 'image'

Sunshine's drinking nights are Fridays.

Today she asked me to go for a drink after work, but I couldn't do it.

I could barely hold my head up at my computer, I wasn't quite sure what would happen if I had a cocktail and tried to remain vertical.

My eyelids were also getting droopy and I knew as soon as I hit the couch I was going to be out like a light.... but I also knew I wanted a glass of wine to calm my nerves from the week.

And get ready for the week ahead.... getting ahead at work so I can go home for my dad's big birthday.

On the way home I checked my voicemail, and there were 2 messages.

Perky and the Cat Lady called, and both of them said something to the effect that they were sure I was having a cocktail or at a bar drinking and talking to cute boys and that's why I didn't pick up the phone.

They are soooo funny! I was working late that's why I didn't pick up the phone, but it's nice to be thought of as the party girl and the one who is always out having a good time.

Probably because I feel like I stay home quite a bit.... but maybe in reality I am out more than the average bear and they are envious of the life I lead.

Who knows? I could also talk a good game that makes them think I have more going on than I really do.

Whatever the case, I did feel like I needed to live up to some image in their mind.... but I certainly didn't have the energy to do it.

I was surprised I was awake past 9pm, which I mentioned to the wine guy when he called.

We're getting together tomorrow at a wine event. It sounds like a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to seeing him outside of a lunchtime work excursion.

Day 194: Age gets in the way of living

I had another dream about the youngster at work. I have no idea why this keeps happening but it's a bit disturbing to me.

The guy is like 25... what in the world is my subconscious mind thinking?? It's bizarre. I've barely even talked to the guy and it's not like I look at him and think wow theres a hot guy.

Sure, he's good looking, most people on tv are, so nothing new there. And it never fails every time I have a dream about the guy I seem to run into him 4 times in the day, when I never see him otherwise.

I suppose there is that theory that I see him just as much when I don't have the dreams but I only notice him when I have the dreams.

Either way it's really starting to bother me. I feel a bit like a pedophile... not to mention a cougar. It could just be a part of 'growing up' and getting older. I guess there's probably some hormones kicking in I don't know about.

At work I've never been so happy to see another co-worker. Sunshine was just that... a ray of light at the end of an otherwise dark tunnel that I had been traveling down alone for what seemed like eternity.

But now that there were people around me again I felt like I had new life, if only I had the energy to sustain what my mind was thinking.

You know you're getting old when that one long night (elections) puts you out of commission for the entire week.

It's not like I've done anything else over the last week besides that, and I can barely function.

I head home after work and relax, and then it's off to sleep then back up again for work... the stop at Starbucks for the 'vat' of coffee to help get me through the day.

Yet somehow I'm still staring at the computer screen trying to get my brain engaged enough to do the work of the day.

Getting old sucks.

Because I can't engage my brain, it takes longer to do the usual tasks which of course frustrates me. I should be able to produce 3 shows in the amount of time I'm there, but I just can't do it 'in my condition.'

I was hoping to get out of work early to make up for some of the extra time from Tuesday and to get to a happy hour the Cheerleader was organizing.

Unfortunately because of my slow brain I wasn't able to so I had to bail. The worst part was I really... really... needed a drink.

Oh well that's how it goes sometimes.... age gets in the way of living.

Day 195: Control room confessional

It was difficult getting out of bed this morning, but I had to do it. It felt like it should be Friday and when I realized I was just starting Wednesday it only made it that much harder.. ugh.

I resigned to the fact that if I was late, I was late. It means less overtime and for that I'm sure my boss would be thankful. Besides he wasn't there to see if I was late, and neither was anyone else so it was fine.

First stop... Starbucks for a giant iced coffee to... I'm keeping my fingers crossed.... get me through the day.

Once at work it was all I could do to get the last final details of the show done, but somehow I made it.

I went into the control room and I realize today there is something about that room that makes me spill my guts.

Maybe because it's quiet, dark, and usually warmer than the meat locker we spend the rest of our days in... but whatever it is things come out of my mouth in there I never thought I'd say out loud.

I'll bet my director could write a book from all the things she hears, not only from me, but from the other producers she works with.

There wasn't anything terribly profound coming out of my mouth today,

Mostly just me confiding in her that I want to curl up into the fetal position with a glass of wine and hide from the world for a few days.

It seems like every email I get is from someone who wants something from me... are you interested in this story idea?... just following up... I haven't heard anything from you.... wanted to make sure you saw this.... you need to evaluate these managers... you need to do your self appraisal.... aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!

Oh yes I've seen all the emails, but I haven't had a chance to read any of them because I've been doing everything for about a week!!!

Once I finished the show it was time to focus on tomorrow's show, but for some reason I couldn't focus. I suppose it was from the lack of sleep.

I found myself sitting and staring at the computer, then walking away and talking with my coworkers because talking didn't require as much effort as writing.

I couldn't wait for the clock to tick down to 5, but I was conflicted too because I knew there was work that wasn't getting done.

But today I have a hair appointment so I have to leave on time.

When I got to my my hair dresser we started talking about my dad's birthday, and he had a great idea for a gift. A Wii! I would have never thought of that, but it could just be perfect!

It's a toy for the biggest kid I know! And it would give him some exercise in the winter months when he's locked up in the house.

But I'll have to run it past the siblings and mom to make sure it fits the bill. My only concern is that he.... or they... won't play it unless we're there with them.

Day 196: Election Day

It's Election Day. For most that means a trip to the polling place or watching election coverage on the news to see if their favorite politician or proposition will win.

For me, it means a 14... possibly 15 hour day.

I think I've mentioned a few times the past few days that I'm alone at work and that means a lot of extra work and stress on me.

Why I agreed to do this today is beyond me and I can't seem to stop talking about it.

Blah blah blah.... I'm alone, no help, have to work late. Everyone has to work late, everyone has a long day, what makes me that much different?

Ok so my circumstances were worse than the rest, they at least had backup and a support team behind them. That's something I didn't have.

But instead of just keeping my mouth shut and working, I felt the need to tell everyone I could about it. I was the martyr. Everyone look at me, I'm hard at work... yay for me.

Once I got to my designated location it was great to see some of my former work buddies, and hang with a few new ones too.

Honestly, I get a little intimidated in those situations. I'm super confident producing a show inside the station. You could throw me pretty much anything and I could handle it.

I would say you could throw anything at me and I could handle it, but we live in an age of 9/11 and I have to say that would be one I couldn't handle. I would do my best to try, but some things are too overwhelming.

Tonight I am a little out of my element. I don't know the candidates, and I certainly don't know what to ask them. I hate feeling uninformed.

I'm a producer, I like to be prepared, it's what we do.

But somehow, some way like it's instinctual we fall back into it as if it's part of our DNA.

I was running around pulling parts of interviews and giving our reporters the information they needed to keep our viewers updated.

Toward the end of the night I was tired, and all I could think about was being at home on the couch relaxing.

At one point I saw a guy walking past with a Heineken and I wanted to rip it out of his hand and chug it! But I figured that might be frowned upon, so I refrained.

Once we were done, I took a few of my co-workers back to the station. Putting the top down on the car was a welcome relief for the night, but it wasn't enough.

Even though it was 11:30 I needed a beer. The Heineken got into my brain and I couldn't get it out. I decided to stop at the convenience store on the way home and pick up some beer.

I would have been fine with just the beer, but I had also convinced myself I was hungry. So it was on to stop number 2... Wendy's.

I was hoping for a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and baked potato, and ended up with the burger and fries. I guess you have to make some sacrifices in life.

There was one more stop and that was home. On the drive I could hear the beer bottles hitting each other... tink... tink... tink... like Tinkerbell! I had to laugh to myself.

They were calling my name, of course I know better, but I really wanted to grab one out of the back seat and start drinking one on the 5 minute drive to my house.

I refrained. But once I got home, all bets were off! I quickly opened a beer and satisfied my craving for comfort food.

Day 197: Don't think too much

The mantra of the day is 'don't think too much' because if I do I'm going to be overwhelmed beyond belief.

I know I'm jumping ahead but tomorrow is going to be a really busy day. I have to do my normal job missing 2 of the 6 people in my department and then jump in and help with election coverage which will extend my day by about 6 hours and then come back in the next morning to the same department missing 2 people.

Sounds like great fun, and I think I'm going to be keeping Starbucks in businesses for sure. But it will all work out and the show will go on regardless of my lack of sleep, because that's how we tv people 'roll'.

The bright spot in the day was lunch with the wine guy. We had to squeeze in a quick lunch because he is leaving for Vegas tomorrow and otherwise we wouldn't see each other until the weekend.

We went to our 'usual' spot... which is the restaurant we went to the other day when he came in for a tour. Since we've been there twice I guess that makes it our usual spot.

Then on the way back he said 'want to pull into the parking lot and make out?' I had to laugh, but it did seem like a fun idea, despite my anxiety about combining my work and personal lives.

I told him to pull in behind my hosts giant SUV which would block the windows, which I'm pretty sure no one was looking out of anyway, not to mention I'm sure they couldn't see anything if they were looking... but better safe than sorry in my book.

We kissed a little but it was hardly a make out session, but still nice.... and as he mentioned a little like high school lunch break.

At that moment I also realized it was good we both ate onions at lunch... at least that seemed to level the playing field a little.

It's funny how you never really think of those things at the time... or at least I don't... but maybe I should?

Ahhh well after lunch it was back to work... in my attempt to get through the day knowing the hell that lied ahead of me.

Unfortunately thinking about what I was going to have to do tomorrow slowed down my progress for the day, as if procrastinating would prevent tomorrow from happening.

Obviously I know that's not the case, so I just need to suck it up and move on which means finishing up the half bottle of wine left over from last night and going into work late in hopes of maintaining my sanity for the next 24 hours.