Day 231: Learning to 'just say no'

I made it through most of Monday without a care in the world outside of the usual minor work concerns.

Then about 4 o'clock my plans for the night suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks and I was starting to get very anxious.

A short time ago an ex-boyfriend's mother connected with me on facebook and asked if we could get together to 'catch up'.

This is the guy I like to call shithead... the jerk who broke up with me on my birthday over the phone while I was at work after dating for 2 years.

Yeah... that guy. I loved his family, in fact in hindsight I think I liked them more than I liked him!

But for some reason I'm very bothered by this whole situation. I decided I didn't want to go and then I turned into a baby, I might as well have thrown myself on the ground kicking and screaming, pounding my fists against the floor.

Instead I wondered if it would be acceptable to send a mass email at work to see if anyone had a xanax they would be willing to share with me.

Of course I decided against it, but I was on the verge of having a mini-breakdown just thinking about meeting up with her.

Sunshine and the Coffee Fairy suggested the more acceptable option of grabbing a cocktail before or during the dinner. The problem is, she doesn't drink so that was off the table.

There was just something about it that really bothered me, and I decided I do way too many things out of obligation when I should 'just say no'.

I think it's mostly that I feel it's crossing a boundary of some sort. It's been so long and it's not like we have a reason to stay in touch outside of friendship.

It's been 6 years since I've seen her, so my mind started racing.

Does she have something to tell me? Is he on his death bed and wanting to make ammends for his wrong doings?? That's not a position I would want to be in.

The BFF talked me off the ledge on the drive to the restaurant and when I walked up I was tense but to a point where I felt I could actually do it.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. In fact his name wouldn't have even come up if I hadn't brought it up.

I wasn't planning on it, and I certainly didn't want to pry into his personal life, it just felt very awkward for us to be talking about everyone else in the family except him.

He was the elephant in the room. So I took the high road and asked how he was doing and she filled me in on what was going on.

After it was all over I realized it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, and I don't know why I was so worked up.

We left it with the possibility of getting together again and to stay in touch. I still don't know how I feel about it all, but at least I know it won't cause me any anxiety.