Day 275: Afraid of change

My neurotic nature is evidently pretty humorous to the rest of the world.

I have a regular massage therapist that I go to just about every other week, so she gets to hear a lot of my dating disasters.

Every time I go in, she asks for an update. I think, she, like a lot of my friends are living vicariously through me.

I have no idea why they want to relive the world of dating, but for some reason they do.

In fact if I could avoid dating I think I'd be pretty happy. It's not that I don't enjoy meeting new people, I just hate all the other crap that goes along with it.

Anyway, as I walked in for my standing appointment she asked 'what's new?' I didn't have much to say... so I replied with 'not much.'

Then she proceeded to ask me about the last guy I had gone out with. I laughed because I couldn't remember which one she was asking about. She reminded me it was the not so gay guy so I filled her in.

Then I told her about the tea leaf reader. She laughed at the prediction, and laughed even more when I told her I was freaking out about it because 'my life is over.'

Of course I didn't mean it that way... what I really meant was 'life as I know it is over'. But it came out the way it came out and she couldn't stop laughing.

It continued when I told her I was avoiding the guy who looks like my brother because I didn't want him to be 'Prince Charming'.

As I walked out of the office, I could hear her chuckling to herself and muttering under her breath 'life is over'.

As I left and went to run errands it occured to me the reason I'm so freaked about all of this is because I'm afraid. Afraid of losing who I am, of losing sight of Mr. Wonderful and his impact on me and my life. Afraid Prince Charming will show up and I won't recognize its him.

It's scary... especially when you know it's coming. It's like I'm waiting... and watching... as the giant black storm clouds are creeping toward me.

I guess that's a bad analogy. I'm really not a pessimist about this. I do want it to happen, but it seems crazy to think it will after so many years of living without that special person... then finding them and having them taken away.

I guess somewhere inside I've felt like maybe it wouldn't happen again for me and I've prepared myself for that.

I also don't do real well with sudden changes. If I can think about the change that is coming and warm up to the idea and analyze it from every angle I do much better.

I also do ok with gradual change, but this whole thing of knowing a life changing event is coming without any other information is a little nerve wracking for me.... as you can tell beacuse I've been writing and thinking about it every day since the it was in the tea leaves.