Day 320: Midlife crisis or youthful spirit?

Why do I do this to myself? I'm not 26 anymore! Am I in the midst of a mid-life crisis? Or am I just regaining my youthful spirit?

I didn't get home from my little 'party' until 3am! 3-A-M!! That's absolutely insane!

On the drive home last night I kept telling myself I could sleep in a little later and make it through the day. If I could just get 4 hours of sleep I'd be fine.

Morning came quicker than I would have liked.

Why is it the days you want to sleep in are the days when you hear the alarm loud and clear and can't get back to sleep?

I'm usually a 4 snooze button pusher, I set the clock ahead and the alarm back to give myself more time and to trick my brain. (That's too much math for me to do in the morning to figure out what time it really is)

Nope, not today! Today the alarm clicked on at 6am, and I was wide awake, but exhausted. I stayed in bed hoping I would doze off again and get another hour in and as I started to drift off a bit a hear BANG.... BANG.... BANG!!! Then a few minutes later the same thing.... BANG.... BANG... BANG!!!

Then it dawned on me, it was the pest control company. I had scheduled a treatment between 6 and 630am, but not just any treatment, a termite treatment.

For those of you that have never had the joy of having a termite treatment, let me explain it to you.

They drill through the foundation of your home to get the chemicals in to take care of the savage little beasts.

On a good day, this is irritating, on a day like today it's enough to throw you completely off your game.

So I jump out of bed, then I have to gather my senses and try to find something decent to wear to answer the door. I'm scrambling... I end up with an oversized Nolan Ryan t-shirt that I've had since 1984, and a pair of boxer shorts.... classy.

I get to the door and get the guys situated then I started to get ready, but I couldn't think because the drill was blasting like a jack-hammer right outside my door!

Ugh... if this is how the day was beginning I couldn't wait to see what else was in store for me. I gathered my things and left to grab a giant vat of caffeine to help me get through it all.

A few hours into work surprisingly I was fine, then about half way through I hit the wall.

The Cheerleader was coming to the rescue... I hear her say loud enough for a few people to hear "Wow! You don't look so good. I think you should go home and go to bed."

I had to admit she was right, but there was no way I was wasting my vacation time for a nap with a jackhammer in the background.

She continued on 'No you look sick, I think you should go home." One of the managers in a different department was walking by and looked over an nearly ran for the hills to get away from 'Typhoid Mary'.

Somehow, someway I managed to make it through the day and to press on to happy hour tonight.

I had a great time catching up with my friend, but by the time it was over... I was done.

I don't know what was worse on the drive home... that my eyes were crossed or half open from exhaustion.

Needless to say I called Fargo and told him there was absolutely no way I was going to see him tonight.

So we're on for tomorrow, after yet another happy hour, this time with Mr. Wonderful's mom.

Day 321: Unexpected evening

What started off as a twitter event turned impromptu birthday party for one of my friends ended with an interesting turn of events.

My friend is part of a twitter group and invited some 'crashers' to help her celebrate her birthday.

It was a great chance to help her celebrate so even though it was a 'school night' I decided to check things out.

I hit the road after a quick cut and color with my stylist, and made it there around 7pm.

I found my friend bought her a drink and started mingling... before long I found myself away from the madness sitting outside on the patio at a table with my friend and 2 of her friends.

I was at least a decade younger than everyone at the table, but it didn't seem to bother me.

During the conversation, a gal at the table said she didn't want to know how old I was and I told her she would be surprised.

When I did tell her I was 39, she was ready to share her wisdom with me and I was ready to listen... anything to help me get into my 40's and beyond!

She said "Wait until you hit the next two decades, you are not going to believe what is going to happen it's wonderful!"

She was so excited she couldn't contain herself.... "you're going to take everything you've learned in your life and you'll have the power to apply it to the rest of your life and you'll be unstoppable!"

At this point, I was intently listening. She went on "Your a beautiful, smart, funny girl with a fabulous job! Men are going to be fawning over you and women will be in awe!"

This lady was so good I was almost excited to be 40!

I left my little pep talk and headed back inside to check on the party.

There weren't a lot of people left, but we all introduced ourselves.

One of them was a strapping young buck that I had noticed earlier but didn't think much about at the time.

Now was my chance to talk with him and see if I was interested.

We had a nice conversation and he bought me a drink. Before long the bar was closing and he asked if I wanted to grab a drink somewhere else.

My normal response would have been 'no I need to get home' and I'm pretty sure I did say that at least once, but he was persistant and asked again.

This time I thought to myself, "Why not? You have to live your life! Who cares if you're out later than usual on a school night?!"

So off we went, we found a nice quiet place to have a few drinks and talk and we ended up shutting the place down at 2am.

We moved outside and continued talking, and we shared our first kiss, which led to a few more. The entire time I was thinking 'What are you doing? You barely kiss on the first date and this isn't even a date?!"

I really have no idea what got into me! I even said it out loud, to which my new friend said... 'yes it is a first date and a pretty good one. In fact I feel like I know you 3 dates worth."

Yeah I'll bet you do... nice try big guy I know what happens on date #4 and it wasn't going to happen on date #4 with me.

I'm not that girl. I have traditional values when it comes to relationships and I like to take things slowly. I guess I have a built in caution sign and it comes on early and doesn't go off easily.

I'm pretty scared of getting hurt or taken advantage of so I end up holding back quite a bit.

He immediately jumped to plan B and said 'then lets make out in the car for 5 minutes.'

I agreed, did I mention he's cute and funny?

So we get in the car and I immediately go into 'producer mode', I look at the clock and it said 2:08.

We started kissing, and when we took a little breather I glanced at the clock and it said 2:12.

I gave him the 1 minute warning. Don't get me wrong, its not that I wasn't enjoying it, but I have to set limits with this guy.

His response? 'That clock is fast.' I had to laugh as I informed him '4 minutes is 4 minutes regardless if the clock is fast.'

This guy is charming, and has a quick witty sense of humor and I like it.

We ended things with him asking if he could see me tomorrow. Flattering? Yes... was it going to happen? No.

I already had happy hour plans with a friend and I wasn't going cancel and I wasn't going to see him after that... no way!

We left things with a 'lets talk tomorrow' and see what happens.

This guy seems like he has some potential... we'll see.

Day 322: Feeling like a teenager

Surprisingly enough I'm still feeling quite young even after the days events.

At work today I heard one of the adorable young girls in a different department is newly single, and all the guys are wondering if the rumor is true. Exactly what you want to hear when you're 39 and single!

These things don't happen when your 39. The boys just wonder what happened and then go on with their lives... and I guess that's if they even care what happened.

Also today, the higher ups have decided in their infinite wisdom to cut out any overtime. Let me set the stage again for you in case you're just joining in or haven't been keeping track.

My bosses last day was three days ago, and the other producer has 8 days left before she leaves... giving me the work of 3 people and I'm no longer allowed to work overtime! Seriously?! These people are out of their minds!

The thing that makes it even more crazy, is that we have been allowed to work overtime the past few weeks when we've been fully staffed.... now where's the rationalle in that?

We were also told to let someone know when we all go to lunch together, so they know why the department is empty. I quickly reponded with 'does this mean when I'm the only one here I need to let you know when I go to lunch?' It's absolutely ridiculous sometimes.... whatever. I'll just sit back and shut up and do my job... oh yeah... and the jobs of 2 other people.... but only in the 40 hours a week I'm allowed.

But it wasn't all doom and gloom and frustration today. I was able to secure a live in studio interview with Zac Effron... yes the Zac Effron. Now before you get too impressed all I had to do to get the interview was answer an email, but either way it's happening and I'm the one responsible for it so I'm going to take credit til the cows come home!

On the drive home I was chatting on the phone with the Cheeleader and I told her about the interview. I think she squeeled into the phone! She was giddy like a school girl, and her enthusiasm and excitement was contagious.

She quickly said, 'when is the interview? what can I do to look younger before then?'

I laughed and responded with 'I don't know what you can do but I'm certainly going to be the one to mic him up!'

It's a running joke we have. When you are mic-ing someone you need to make sure the mic pack is fastened to their waisteband (near their butt) and the mic needs to be fed underneath the front of their shirt and clipped onto the collar of the shirt.

I'm going to embrace my inner bobcat and take care of that task... who am I fooling? I'm going to be the only one there so I'll have to be the one to do it!

We had a good laugh and we hung up.

On the rest of the drive home I heard Katy Perry's song 'California Gurls' on the radio and I found myself bee bopping along, singing and car dancing like a teenage girl with the car for the first time.

It dawned on me that I was happy... and I seemed a little confused by it especially with all the work stress that is about to be piled upon me. It's not a typical feeling especially when I know when work is stressful.

Life experiences also have a way of putting everything into perspective.

Don't get me wrong I wasn't ecstatic or giddy, but I felt a little bit of happiness creeping into my life and I like it. I look forward to having more of it, and I think the Cheerleader will help me get there.

Day 323: Fabulously uneventful

Fabulously indulgent and remarkably unproductive days are worth looking forward to, and that's what today was.

After a week of vacation and running around for parties and pet sitting duty I was ready for a 'non-day', and that's exactly what I got.

I slept in, caught up on some recorded shows, took a nap and watched a few movies. In between all of that I managed to eat dessert before breakfast and lunch, and have a glass of wine with my dinner.

I'm feeling totally relaxed and ready to take charge and head into the week.

It's amazing what a day like today can do to recharge the mind, body and spirit.

I thought about doing a few things around the house, or even a load of laundry, but nope... absolutely not. I didn't lift a finger to do anything except eat, drink and put the movies in the DVD player.

While I was out returning movies today, I stopped by the dance studio and picked up a schedule of classes, that has me a little excited and a little afraid.... but nothing ventured nothing gained.

I also did some research and found out the chef has a girlfriend, so I guess that option is off the table, and since I haven't seen Starbucks guy in a while I'm starting to feel like my options for dating are as dried and desolate as the desert in the heat of the summer.

Not that I need to have someone in my life, today was a fabulous day of 'me time' which I absolutely love.

But there is something to be said for having someone to spend them with or someone to just call and say hello to let you know they are thinking about you.

In that same regard though I know when I do have a boyfriend or significant other I will miss these days so I am going to enjoy each and every minute of them while I have the chance.

Day 324: The Baby Shower

Baby showers... ugh... its almost like a trip to the dentist for me.

I have absolutely no reference point when it comes to children, or babies. I'm the baby of the family and I don't have any neices or nephews. I didn't grow up around children and I can count on one hand the times I have changed a diaper.

I do like children and babies but I just don't know what to do around them, and I certainly don't have anything to talk about when it comes to them.

I feel a bit like a failure at baby showers. I can usually find some nugget to draw upon for most conversations, but when it comes to babies I draw a complete blank.

I'm like a fish out of water. I go because I love my friends and I am honored they invite me, but it is awkward to say the least.

At least there were no taste the baby food, or put candy bars in diapers games at todays event, I can't stand those things!

But we did have conversation starter questions to ask the new mom... or answer ourselves depending on the question.

While others drew the questions 'what would you name the baby?' and 'what trait do you hope the baby picks up from the parents?' I ended up with 'whats your best poop/diaper story?'

Seriously!? All I could think of was my cats! And I was pretty sure no one wanted to hear about dingleberries during lunch. Thankfully, I did get a pass and a new question much better suited for the occassion.

The good thing about today was it wasn't all about babies, it was more about friendship and celebrating the new mom.

What a wonderful feeling to be surrounded by such a lovely group of women.

Adding to the anxiety of the event... I was the only single woman there but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

The chef at the restaurant we went to comes on our show frequently, and he is pretty hot so I took the opportunity to get all dolled up and strut my stuff.

Ok, not strut my stuff, but at least show off in non-work attire.

Unfortunately I'm an idiot. He came out to say hello and of course the new mom introduced him to the group. I swear I think everyone in the room knew she was tryint to set us up. There's nothing more nerve wracking than 20 married women looking on while someone is trying to start a conversation between 2 people across 2 banquet tables.

I did my best, but I'm sure I sounded like an awkward fool, and I'm also pretty sure I broke out in hives on my chest just to add to the embarrassment.

But what's done is done, and I can only move forward from here, and hope he didn't notice or thinks I'm cute and finds my nervousness 'endearing'.

So here I sit, enjoying a glass of wine from my trip to Napa and a quiet Saturday night while I daydream about a romantic dinner in the kitchen of the kitchen of the restaurant, and maybe even a short makeout session with the chef.

Day 325: Morning commute theory

I thought I'd stop for coffee this morning in hopes of running into Starbucks guy.

By the time I left the house I figured I was running too late, but I needed coffee.

I got a call from the Cheerleader on the way into work to talk a little more about the work situation and I offered to get her a coffee too.

I went inside, it was a pretty short line so even though I knew I was going to be running late I knew I could get my drink quickly.

By the time I paid my drinks were ready and I was on my way, all I had to do was get into my car and take off. I've done it a hundred times, but for some reason today it was like I was trying to speak a foreign language for the first time.

I got to the car and couldn't find my keys, so I sat one of the drinks down then I found my keys and I couldn't get the door open.

I finally got in the car and took off. In my attempt to rush to work, I left before putting my seatbelt on and with my sunglasses on top of my head.

Meanwhile I had to hold one of the drinks because my gearshift crushes the pretty much anything in one of the cup holders. The one in the cupholder was on top of something else and was wobbling.

As I'm approaching the first stop light I look over and see a motorcycle cop, which just compounded my problems because now I have to figure out how to get my seatbelt on while holding a cup of coffee.

I managed to do it but only after spilling coffee in my lap... what a way to start the day, but at least I didn't get a ticket.

I used to have a theory that you could tell the way your day would go by the drive into work, you know if you try to get around one slow car but constantly get held up by other slow cars then you should just count out being productive because your going to hit a lot of obstacles. If its smooth sailing, then the day will be effortless.

Thankfully I abandonded that theory a little while ago. I'm thankful for two reasons... 1) today would have been hell based off what I experienced and 2) the self fulfilling prophecy... if you think its going to happen you set yourself up for it to happen.

I managed to make it through an semi-awkward obligatory goodbye lunch for my boss. It was so off, I'm not even sure she wanted to be there.

And later tonight, dinner with an old friend I haven't seen in 10 years. All in all a good day.

Day 326: Roller coaster day

Back to work... ugh... but at least I only have to get through a day and a half before I hit the weekend.

I have to say I've had a little bit of bad planning with this trip. I had a late flight in, and then decided today would be the perfect day to take one of my cats in to be 'fixed'.

Anyone who has cats knows they are creatures of habit, and upsetting their world is a bad thing.

So what do I decide to do after 6 days of being gone, with 3 different people in my house taking care of them? Of course I think its a great idea to upset the apple cart again, by leaving one cat at home by himself, and ripping the other out of his environment and leaving him at the vet for 2 days.

It's a good thing they are resiliant... and have short term memories.

I had a brief moment of anxiety taking the little guy in this morning. He is the sick one, and while he has been doing great for the past 6 months, my mind still wandered to the ugly place... with thoughts that he may not make it through the surgery.

I had a hard time understanding the source of my anxiety at first. It is a routine surgery and one that does not carry much of a risk. As a wave of nausea rolled in, it hit me. This was hitting close to home because it felt like the last time Mr. Wonderful went into the hospital.

I had to finally pull my mind out of the low place it had sunk to and get a reality check. It still wasn't easy but my rational mind kicked in and I was able to get through it.

And that's a good thing, because it wasn't that long ago that I couldn't do that.

That was really just the tip of the iceberg for the day.

When I walked into work the other producer threw me a curveball.

Not only is tomorrow my bosses last day, but she was also turning in her resignation, effective in 2 weeks.

Bottom line? Our producing staff just got chopped to 1/3 and I am the one who will be left at the helm of the ship doing the work of three people.

I did get a corporate pep talk from one of my superiors... saying 'its your time to shine' and 'we want to see you get creative'. He also had some encouraging things to say about me, how he's seen me grow over the past year, and the possibilities for professional growth with these changes. I left feeling ok about it all, but only moderately.

Later I was encouraged... by of course the Cheerleader.

She gave me a quick call to check in and get my thoughts on what was happening.

She said a few things that made a lot of sense, I'll be the 'queen bee', the leader and the one the department will turn to for answers.

She also gave me a lot of encouragement and support, which was more important to me that being a leader.

One of the things that really resonated with me was when she said she wants to see me take the show and give it my own signature, to find my passion for tv again, and to put it all into the show.

She wasn't saying it in a judgemental manner, because it would be good professionally to kiss up to the new manager, or even because it's what's best for the show, she wants it for me... personally on an emotional level.

I am truly amazed at the potential my friends see in me, and the things they can see that are missing in my life.

I get a little teary thinking about it sometimes because I think they believe in me more than I believe in myself.

Over these past few years I have really found some true friends. I'm learning it's not necessarily the ones you've known the longest that make the greatest impact, its the ones that see you for who you are... and who you have the potential to become.

Day 327: Delusional Dating

We had a wonderful trip but it was time to head back home.

Mr Wonderful's mom and I headed to the airport to wait for our flight. Since it was delayed we took it upon ourselves to grab a cocktail in the airport bar before heading down to the gate.

By the time we got there, we were feeling pretty relaxed and happy.

We got in line to wait our turn to board and she starts looking around pointing out a couple of cute guys that were getting on the plane.

I joined in because... well why not? It's quite fun! It was a good 'girlfriend' moment to have and I got caught up in it.

I had no idea she was planning on sitting next to one of them on the plane in hopes of striking up a conversation.... and possibly getting me a date.

It's good I didn't know because if I had I'm sure I would have been nervous and tried to convince her not to do it.

We got on the plane and ended up sitting next to an older man which was perfectly fine with me because that's what I always end up doing. It's safe and comfortable and I'm ok with that but it's not going to get me what I want that's for sure.

I had written off the potential opportunity until we we landed. Of course, that's when I thought I'd make a last ditch attempt to connect with this random stranger sitting two rows in front of me on a plane.

My plan was to make eye contact and see where it went. The moment was mine... I saw him turn in his seat getting ready to get up. As he turned around to check out the back of the plane, I shot him a quick look.... and it worked... sort of. I'm not sure how effective my flirting was, but I did catch his eye a few times.... whether he thought I was a stalker or cute was beyond me at that point, but I was encouraged.

After we got off the plane of course it was time to head down to baggage claim and pick up our luggage, but we needed a porter.

Somehow we ended up with the slumpiest, dumpiest dude in the airport, but we needed him for a couple of reasons. One... our bags were 50 pounds or more... and two we couldn't lug all of our bags and two boxes of wine by ourselves.

As we walked up to the luggage carousel I saw the hottie waiting for his bags. I didn't pay much attention past that point because we were on the hunt for our bags and the wine, which was of the utmost importance.

Eventually we loaded up the cart to the brim, and I look over and the hottie was standing right next to me.

I gave him my best sidways glance, with a flirty smile, only to smile bigger once I caught his eye. He smiled too, and I got a little excited thinking maybe my smile would do the trick and we would strike up a converation.

We were standing close to each other so it was possible... but I guess I need to work on it, because he walked out the doors and went on his way. But, he did take a few quick glances our way before crossing the sidewalk and walking out of my life forever.

Maybe I'm just delusional to think smiling at a guy in an airport would be enough to start a conversation and possibly even lead to a date.

Especially on the tail end of a flight where there is no time to even continue the hypothetical conversation.

What was even more sad was our continuing effort to speculate about his dating status, and whether he was looking at me after he had crossed the street and moved on to his car.

He was gone... what were we going to do? Hunt him down on the bus to the parking lot like a deer in the woods?

Bottom line... I need to work on my flirting techniques but I do think it is getting better.

Day 328: Unplanned bliss

Don't trust the word of someone else when you can experience it on your own and make your own decisions.

Today we set out on the road, heading for a couple of quick wine tastings. We set the destination of Cline Vineyard into the GPS and off we went.

We were making great headway, taking note of the beautiful scenery and a few clever signs one of which read 'Summer's here drink wine not beer', when 'the girl in the box' told us we were arriving at our destination as we watched it fly past us.

So we turned around and made the turn only to see Viansa on the sign. We were a little confused but decided to check it out anyway because the grounds were absolutely gorgeous. So we went inside and had a lovely tasting and asked them if they used to be Cline Vineyard and they said no.

We were terribly confused until a few girls overheard us and told us the winery we were looking for was right across the road. We asked for more specifics and they seemed quite confused saying there is no way we could miss it. Of course we thought they were the crazy ones because we did miss it.

They finally patronized us a bit and told us to look for the 'drink wine not beer' sign.... at which point we said 'oh yeah! We did see that!'

So off we went back to Cline... when we got there it was all we expected and more. The experience couldn't have been better by our standards. The guy serving us our wine was pleasant, fun, knowledgable and really enjoyed his job which helped us really enjoy their wine. And the vibe was laid back and casual which is also right up my alley.

After a few tastings and a few more bottles of wine to add to our stash we were headed back to Viansa to enjoy our newfound scenery and some lunch.

Today was far from the plan we had in mind, but it ended up being our favorite day of the trip. To think we almost missed it because we were so transfixed on 'the girl in the box' telling us where to go instead of just going with the flow.

We did end up taking what the day gave us and it was absolutely phenomenal, one of those fabulous unplanned days that only come along once in a blue moon.

Day 329: Drowning in the Dating Pool

Why is it that men my age always seem to be uninterested in women their own age?

I suppose its an age old question that has baffled societies since the dawn of time. Men like younger women and that's no surprise, but that doesn't mean I understand it.

As I've perused the vineyards today I've noticed a trend. The men behind the counter seem to pay much more attention to the young girls at the tastings.

Not that I blame them, because I don't, I do have a slight understanding of the male psyche and I know they like pretty young girls. But that doesn't mean its any easier to accept.

How do you deal with being on the up-hill climb of the age hill, looking at girls being flirted with knowing it wasn't that long ago you were on the receiving end of the same behavior?

I feel like a young woman trapped inside an old woman's body, not fully understanding exactly why I'm not the object of the firtation.

It doesn't help that I look young for my age, which just makes me feel worse about the lack of flirting. If I look young then why isn't it happening?

We walked into our first winery of the day to do some tasting, and the winery owner was probably in his early to mid-40's. I thought he was kind of cute so I tried to make eye contact and show some interest but he didn't seem to be taking the bait.

I did see him look at my ring finger to access the situation, but that was about it.

I cut my losses bought 2 bottles of his wine and thought about joining the wine club and then took his suggestion for the next winery and hopped in the car.

When we got to the next winery there was another guy behind the counter, if I had to guess I'd say he may have been mid-40's, and once again he was the owner. We walked in and stood there for a few minutes, and wondered if he even saw us... because he was so transfixed on the trio of lovely ladies in their early 20's that could have been his daughers.

I'm not exactly what we did to draw his gaze away, perhaps we pulled out our wallets and the sight of cold hard cash was enough to divert his attention to us long enough to give us a couple samples of the vino.

He eventually loaned the trio of young ladies his personal collection of bikes to take around the grounds and you'd think after they were gone, he would have then focused his attention on us, but no.... he kept staring out the windows longingly as if he was perusing his kingdom waiting for the pretty peasant girls to come back and entertain him.

I just don't get it.... these are men my own age, and they should be paying attention to me! I look good for my age! What has happened? Have a I lost my mojo? Or is this just part of getting older? Or could it simply be the age of the men and a slight mid-life crisis on their part? I'm going with it all being the man's fault, because it seems to be a behavior issue.

How am I ever going to find someone when I'm dealing with this type of dating pool? I feel like I'm on my tippie toes in the deep end struggling to keep my head above water.

Day 330: The Hippie & The Hillbilly

Here I sit in the hotel room with the woman who would have been my mother in law.

We had a fantastic day full of wine tasting.

It started off with breakfast with her son and his fiance and our hippie bags. The bags they bought for us yesterday.

We felt we should switch everything out from our normal purses to make sure they knew we appreciated them.

I kind of feel like the bags are symbolic of a bigger picture of who I am and where I'm going.

They are the perfect bags for San Fran but the closer we got to wine country the more I felt like I needed to ditch the bag.

By the time we hit our first winery, I jumped out of the car and immediately switched everything out.

It's not that I don't love the bag... because I do.... I've said it before, I'm a self proclaimed hippie. I love hippies and deep down I am one, I just prefer to carry a more traditional bag to a winery.

It's a little like my upbringing. I like to think that I'm a refined hillbilly.... I can't take credit for the term.. I believe I heard it on an episode of the 'Bachelorette' and I felt it was so appropriate for the way I was raised that I adopted it.

I grew up in a small town, and while we didn't have much, my parents taught us proper etiquette and manners and I've never felt out of place at a high society function.

I won't forget my roots and where I come from, because it's who I am.... much like the bag symbolizes a little piece of me, but that doesn't mean I want to advertise it to the rest of the world.

I'm not ashamed of it... much like I'm not ashamed of where I cam from, but I don't want to be defined by it.

So I switched out the bag to my traditional leather hobo, and all is right with the world.

I think my apprehension with the bag is more about what it symbolizes. I don't want to be judged by my bag. I don't want people to look at me and think I stepped off the commune I want them to see and know the deeper side of me.... not that it will happen in a winery, but I just dont like people make snap judgements.

Much like I want to make sure people don't know I stepped off a farm in a town of 2,000 people in the middle of Missouri if I can help it. I'm certainly not ashamed of where I come from, I'm proud of my background and where I've gone but I know people can react in a negative manner if they know your history before they know who you are.

It's just who I am. which is the traditional conformist with a slight liberal hippie lurking inside.

Day 331: Stuck In The Middle With You

I'm startng to think I don't necessarily belong with people my own age.

I'm in San Francisco with Mr. Wondeful's mom visiting her son and his fiance.

While we're hanging out I find myself more connected with her than him... even though he is a year younger than me, and she is decades older.

I don't quite understand what is going on with me. If I'm not dating 26 year olds, I'm hanging out with the 50 + crowd.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened. I've had an older friend for quite a while, but I feel like I'm getting more and more connections with more and more older women.

Sure I realize I'm not getting any younger, but I haven't made it to 40 yet, so seriously why am I hanging out with the senior crowd?

I shouldn't give them a bad wrap, because I wouldn't be spending time with them if I didn't enjoy it... and I do! So maybe there's something wrong with me? While I feel like a 26 year old stuck in a 39 year olds body somewhere, somehow I'm still hanging out with women 20 years my senior. But they are the most fun group of women I know!

Maybe I'm older than I think I am, an old soul if you will, that, or I've just found the youngest old people in my little corner of the world.

I do have to say I have a love affair with San Francisco. What's not to love, the culture is fantastic and I love hippies.

So much so that my host offered to buy myself and his mother a hippie bag as a token of their appreciation.

As much as I like to say I'm a hippie, I enjoy being a conformist hippie. I like playing the part with my brown leather hobo bag and aviator Ray Bans, not a hand made bag made in Nepal.

Although I do appreciate the sentiment behind it all, and I do love the bag, I'm not sure how much I will use it.

All that aside I am absolutely loving my life right now. Sure it could be better with someone beside me to share all of these fantastic little experiences, but everything just seems to 'fit' right now.

I enjoy being able to take off and do whatever I want, when I want without having to answer to anyone. I know this is a luxury I won't have forever... or at least I hope I won't have forever.

I'm sure I could have taken this girls trip if I was in a relationship, but I'm also quite positive it would have a different 'vibe'.

Being here in this way is perfect. The cool ocean breeze, paired with the smells and sounds of the city is the perfect combination of everything. It's like every sensory perception has been touched.

I had an amazing day. I smile a lot and it was genuine, that may not sound like a lot to most people but to me its something that's been greatly missing in my life.

I felt like I was truly living again, and I liked it! I'm so happy to know that I can feel this way again.

Day 332: The Hippie Theory

San Francisco here I come! I'm off on my fabulous little vacation.

I have forgotten how much I love San Fran. It has been 15 years since I've been here, so I suppose that's reasonable.

It's funny how seeing the same place through older eyes can make you appreciate it more.

I remember liking it the first time I came in college, but I remember liking the ocean and alll the cultural mix that I didn't get growing up back home.

The same holds true today, but I have a much greater appreciation for it all, which makes it all that much better the second time around.

It's our day to get oriented, so low key is the name of the game. We decided to go to the marina to walk around a little.

The winds were gusty, there were white caps on the water and I can't believe how cold it is in June!

We were walking along the bay, while the others went to get the car and a car drives past me and my friend. When I look over I see the window is down and there is a guy inside checking us out and he slows his roll past us... he smiles and waves.

I waved back, trying to be 'California friendly', and then it hit me, he wasn't being friendly he was trying to make his move.

I can't even cross state lines and get away from the crazy boys! The same thing happens when I'm home.

I went to happy hour a few weeks ago and some old man in a beater pickup truck followed alongside my car for a block or two, then when I glanced over (against my better judgement) I see him checking me out. He was trying to make the moves going 40 miles/hour while driving!

He gave me the head nod. You know the one where they keep eye contact and then slightly raise their head to give you that subtle, 'hey baby' maneuver.

Now I know texting while driving is bad, but this should be against the law too! The freak out factor on my part was enough to drive me off the road, and he certainly wasn't paying enough attention to the road to be safe!

I think I need to write my congressman on this one.

After that experience we headed to Berkeley to walk around and kill some time before dinner and it hit me.

I need to ignore these crazy boys in my life that I don't want anything to do with, like I avoid the homeless people begging for money on the street.

You know the ones that you have no interest in outside of friendship. But you agree to go out with them as friends, and they hold onto that friendship as a sliver of hope that someday maybe you'll see things their way, and they never leave you alone.

So that's the key, from now on treat the boys I have no interest in, like street people.

Now I just need to figure out how to treat the ones I DO like!

Day 333: Procrastination is king

Why oh why do I wait until the last moment to do pretty much everything?

As I sit here, I'm only partially packed for my trip tomorrow.

I've started this new habit of having a cocktail while I pack. It's a great way to get the vacation started, but not the best way to be productive.

But since I'm a huge procrastinator, I figure I won't be productive anyway, so why not have a drink and at least have fun?

As I sat immersed in one of my procrastinating moments this evening I texted my friend the Coffee Fairy.

She had a great idea.... 'stay up late drinking, then throw all your black clothes in a suitcase and be done with it.'

I have to say it's a pretty good idea, and one that is very tempting at the moment. But the thought of spending 5 days wearing all black could push me over the edge.

Instead I prefer to take a hodge podge of clothes that are thrown together and may or may not match, and quite possibly may not be appropriate for any activities we have planned.

But this is how I live, at least for now. I'm not going to count out a reversal at some point but so far its not working out very well.

I always have the best intentions, but this time I was pretty proud of myself because I actually acted on them.

I started getting things together earlier in the week, and then about the time I started to feel relaxed and stress free, I stopped... and here I sit.

The same thing happened with my dad's father's day card. For the first time in like.... ever... I bought the card about 2 weeks early. It was absolutely unheard of in my world. Less than 30 minutes after I got it home, I lost it!

I drove myself bonkers for 3 days looking for it. I even thought maybe I left it at the store, and then I found it... only to put it in the mail late.

My entire family is a clan of procrastinators, I guess we travel in packs. We're like a herd of people that works better under pressure.

It's good we are all the same and understand each other because otherwise our feelings could really get hurt.

Day 334: The workout

I went to the gym yesterday in my new campaign to get back in shape.

I've never really been much of a workout freak, but I am genetically blessed so I've managed to make it this far in my life without having to do much of anything and still look pretty good.

I know, I know I'm very lucky, except when you think that now I have to change everything that I'm accustomed to in order to maintain this fabulous slightly fluffy physique... but that's ok. It will make me better in the long run.

I was inspired to try to start the workout regime again, after getting my massage over the weekend. Sounds like a random connection, but you certainly won't think so when you hear the story.

It started as a normal massage, nothing unusual, the typical rubbing and kneading, then about half way through, as the masseuse was massaging my back, I could feel my butt starting to move. And not just jiggle a little bit, I mean move. My butt cheeks were waving in unison... like the American flag during a big gust of wind.... back and forth.... back and forth.... all I could think was... seriously? When did this happen?

I was slightly mortified until I forced myself to get a reality check, it was all I could do to keep my dignity through the rest of the treatment. So I searched my brain for anything to keep me from obsessing about what was happening.

I landed on the worst case scenario, convincing myself that I couldn't possibly be the worst person this guy has ever had to put his hands on. I said to myself 'surely there was a hairy sweaty man he massaged somewhere in his past.'

I'll never know what he was thinking, if anything, but the experience was enough to get me to call my friend who is a trainer and see when I could visit her.

So I headed into the gym to meet with the Encourager. She gave me a few minor exercises to do, knowing full good and well that my heart wasn't completely in it, but I did them... stopping in between to catch my breath.

She also knows me well enough to know that if she pushes me too hard she'll never see me again. In fact it's not uncommon for her to say 'wow, nice of you to grace us with you presence today'... 'You know I went easy on you right? Because I want to see you.... I miss you.'

After a very light workout, and by light I mean four exercises, we decided gossiping and catching up was more fun, so of course that won out.

I didn't think much of any of it until late morning today, when I realized I was sore.

How could I be sore?! I didn't d-o a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g! Sure it's been a while since I've exercised, but I've always been in pretty good shape. What the heck happened to me?

Toward the end of the day I even started veering to the right when I walked! I almost ran into a wall grabbing my lunch leftovers from the fridge! Did I work one side more than the other? Is that why I was walking to the right? The bigger question, how do I keep it from happening again?!

I made it through the day and home safely, thankfully it didn't continue in the car on the drive home but I'm left wondering why do I always do things this way?

Get complacent, realize there's dimples on my butt, and then decide its time to do something, when it will take twice as long and twice the work to get it accomplished, instead of being constant.

I guess we all have weaknesses, and one of mine is being a procrastinator.

Day 335: Being true to myself

The best advice I've had today, is to just be real, which is pretty good advice.

I like to believe I'm always true to myself, I'm a very genuine person. I don't have ulterior motives and I don't know how to manipulate anything.

You can call me simple minded but I like to think I am just a nice person trying to make my way through this world in the best way I know how.

The difference between me and most people is that I like to keep my thoughts to myself.

Saying I have a hard time putting myself out there is a huge understatement.

I am the eptiome of safe when it comes to relationships. With everything else, I'm ready for anything! I'll try just about anything once.. sign me up!

A spontaneous trip, last minute happy hour, you name it, I'm almost always game.

I know being spontaneous and sharing pieces of myself can only be good, because if I don't I'm forgetable.

Sharing a real piece of myself with my friends will only bring fantastic rewards, and there isn't anything to lose, but I'm closed off.

I have a big wall up, and I'm not sure how to break it down.

I hate feeling vulnerable... absolutely hate it. I enjoy the security of my own world and knowing all my thoughts are locked inside my brain, only to be revealed to those I feel are safe. It gives me a sense of power knowing the other person doesn't know what I'm thinking.

But that's not good. I need to change my old habits.

The first thing I need to work on is verbalizing my feelings. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm feeling unless I write it down, or sit down and think about it.

I have realized I've been feeling a little down in the dumps recently, and I'm not sure why.

I had a great friend visit, and I'm heading out of town for 5 days on a trip that is making all my friends jealous so why am I not happy?

I have absolutely no idea, but I would really like to break out of this 'funk'.

So I need to make it happen because no one is going to do it for me.

Day 336: Time's not for wasting

I'd love to really 'live' each day of my life. That is what this is all about, but what is living?

Does it mean traveling? Taking the opportunity to go to a spontaneous happy hour? Or simply having a glass of wine with dinner?

I guess it's all a matter of perspective. I opted for the glass of wine with dinner, but that's not something that is living on the edge for me. It's pretty common, so what can you do to live each day to the fullest?

Traveling every day isn't an option because you still need to hold down a job to support the fun you want to do.

I guess I'm just feeling a little stifled, and closed in.

I want to be free and run away and do all the things I dream about, but being a responsible adult doesn't allow that to happen as much as I'd like.

So I guess I'll just have to take it in bits and pieces. I do have a trip planned starting in a few days and that will be fun.

If, I can get over the guilt of leaving my kitties, and find someone to watch them while I'm gone.

One of the cats is sick, and has been since he was a kitten. He needs medication twice a day which only adds to the guilt and stress of leaving.

I've always thought life is about the little things, and I guess that's how I should think when it comes to 'living'.

I did stop for coffee again this morning, hoping to put myself out there and offer up my number, but once again no sign of Starbucks guy. So my attempt to start the day 'living' didn't exactly work out.

So I decided to follow up on something one of my friends suggested I do a few weeks ago.

The Cheerleader suggested I facebook friend someone she works with in another state.

Today she asked me about it again, and so finally I decided to do it, because I need to live! At the time I was thinking, what in the world are you doing?

In fact I still think that a little bit, but I'm nagged by the encouraging phrases on my fridge 'do one thing a day that scares you'.

So I put in the request and waited to be rejected (I know great attitude right?), well much to my surprise, he accepted.

My heart skipped a short beat and then reality sunk in. How many friends do you actually talk to on facebook? Am I really going to talk to someone I don't know?

Even if it doesn't amount to anything I still got a small charge out of it and that was worth it.

Then I saw that we have another mutual friend, who sent me an email saying 'I didn't know you knew so and so?' I didn't even know how to respond.

What exactly do you say to that? No, someone is trying to set me up via facebook and your friend probably doesn't know about it.

I managed to avoid the question and just move on, so only time will tell.

On the way home tonight I heard another Jimmy Buffett song that served as a good reminder for me.

I've heard his songs a thousand times, but every once in a while a line hits me like it's a message sent straight to me.

Today it was the song Chasing Lost Echos. There is a line in it that says 'Time's not for wasting... no time's not for that' So true... so true....

Day 337: Life's too short

I'm absolutely exhausted.

Running all over town with company is tiring. I love having my friend here but I did more driving in the last 2 days than I do in a week and a half usually.

This weekend was also a little mentally exhausting.

My friend likes to obsess a little bit. Most of the weekend was dedicated to whether her husband was going to walk the dog.

Over and over and over.... and over again it came up.

We all tried our best to reassure her the dog wasn't going to die or be harmed by not getting 3 walks a day but there was no reasoning with her.

She's a very determined woman, and when she wants something she wants it.

And she will do everything within her power to get it done.

She is also very flexible. It's not like she's a diva, she just has a little OCD when she gets something stuck in her head.

Throughout the conversations I said to her 'life's too short to worry about these little things your holding on to, you should let it go'.

She says its just who she is, and I can respect that.

The funny part of the whole day is all day that has been running through my head.

Don't sweat the small stuff, just let it go, life's too short to worry and obsess about every little thing.

Then tonight as I headed to the fridge I saw a magnet my BFF got me.

It reads 'I will not obsess. I will not obsess. I will not obsess.' because I tend to obsess a little bit, if you hadn't noticed from the entire Starbucks guys drama.

It's funny how life will slap you in the face sometime with a little reminder to not be too critical of those around you because you could be just a little bit more like them than you think you are.

This was one of those occassions. In fact I'm probably obsessing a little too much about my friend's obsessions... hmmmmm... wow that's all kinds of bad.

Day 338: Feeling your age

Today was all about indulgence.

My friend and I started off at the spa with massages and facials.

There's something about going to the spa that makes you feel like a queen.

The last two times I have gone, I swear I feel like Cleopatra, with a herd of servants waiting on me, whose only purpose is to pamper me and make me feel good.

I know that's kind of the point, but for whatever reason it's never really dawned on me before.

Maybe because most times I just head in for one treatment and go. These last two times I've had 2 treatments.

At one point during the spa day we were talking about my friends husband and her son and we both agreed that we can't believe how old we are.

It's absolutely crazy to think we're both rolling up on the big 4-0.

Me quicker than her, because I am a year older than she is, but none the less, it is in the back of our heads for sure.

So much so, she can't even say it.... she kept saying the 'F' word.

Don't get me wrong, I am most certainly not comfortable with it, and its definitely not easy for me to say either.

But she's already thinking about it. I'm glad I'm short sighted enough that I at least waited until I turned 39 to obsess about turning the 'f' birthday.

Because I would have driven myself crazy if I started any sooner than I did.

The reason it's hard for us to grasp this upcoming birthday is because both of us feel like we're in our 20's.

It's a little like an out of body experience... like your brain didn't age but the rest of your life went on without you.

You don't feel any different but all the sudden you look around and realize 'wow I'm not 26 anymore... I have a husband, and kids'.

Or in my case my friends have husbands and kids that are getting old, how did this happen because I'm still 26? Oh wait... I'm old too!

Now the world is passing ME by too, beause in a way I'm living vicariously through them. And they are probably living vicariously through me.

I wonder if I'll feel this way into my 40's? Whether the age you feel vs. actual age, carries with you for the rest of your life.

I suppose if my father is any indication it does.

He is still the biggest kid I know, and that's what makes him so endearing.

It's also the reason my mother one day said to me 'If you think they (men) ever grow up your sadly mistaken.'

It's one of my favorite phrases from my mom, and one I enjoy sharing with other women having a hard time with their boyfriends and husbands.

Because its true, and if you can get past it and remember that's why you love them you'll be a better and more sane person for sure.

So the moral of the story today is it's ok to keep your childlike spirit.

Day 339: Single and ready to party?

I took the day off to spend with a friend who came in from out of town.

A lot of my friends have kids, and its not like I haven't been around them before, but today I am learning I am a lot different from them.

I can't imagine myself with kids. I can barely discipline my cats, let alone a person.

Maybe there is something inside us that makes us inherintly different.

As I talked with my friend today I don't think she's ever been much of a partier, and the more I think about it most of my friends who are... are single.

The ones that weren't got married pretty quickly. Then there are a few that did party earlier in life, but calmed down with age and got married later.

I have to say I have fallen into that category. When I met Mr. Wonderful I wasn't doing a lot of partying, and thats how it was while we dated. I wasn't holding myself back, I just didn't have any desire to do it.

So is that the key to finding love? Eliminating the partying? And am I ready to do that for the sake of love?

Don't get me wrong, its not like I'm out every weekend raging like a college student. But every once in a while I will tie one one.

Maybe the partying is a symptom of the bigger issue of not being 'ok' with myself, which is the reason for not finding love.

That seems more reasonable than the other theory which I'm sure scientists have just been waiting to put a study together on.

Not to mention, I'm sure there are happy couples who love to party and have found each other.

Or maybe, just maybe the secret to finding love isn't so secret after all... just be true to yourself where ever you are in life and it will happen when its meant to happen.

That seems to be how it's always worked for me in the past... and I guess that means I still get to party a little bit... so sign me up!

Day 340: Be present

I started the day with the best intentions, and amazingly enough I was 2 for 3.

I usually try to get to work on time, straighten my hair, and make my coffee, and I end up being late, going curly and stopping at Starbucks (which is why I'm late most days).

Today it was a little different. I had a different set of priorities. Sure I thought about straightening my hair, making my coffee at home, and getting to work on time.

But the most important thing I had to do was stop for donuts for my directors birthday.

So I got up early, which is an utterly amazing feat for me, especially recently when I'm doing whatever I can to avoid going to work, and I got out the door earlier than I have in years.

My other priority was to stop in at Starbucks to try to give the guy my number.

Well I did succeed with the donuts, stopping at Starbucks and getting to work on time.

I did not have any luck giving the Starbucks guy my phone number.

You see, he wasn't there today. Granted I was a little earlier than I usually am, but by the time I left he should have been there, and he wasn't.

So now I don't know if he's avoiding me or if it was just the luck of the draw.

Combined with yesterdays activities I'm leaning toward the avoidance theory, although I'm not quite convinced of that one and I feel I do need to trust my intuition.

I was right in the end about whether he was interested. I did question myself, but in the end I was right.

So the short moral of todays story is to listen and trust your gut.

Once I got to work it was a pretty good day. I actually had a great conversation with one of our guests.

It was brief but the lesson to be learned from it was clear.

Everyone should cherish every moment, and be present in those moments.

If I had done that with the Starbucks guy he would have had my number by now and I wouldn't be having this conversation with myself.

Being present is difficult for me to do. While I'm not a planner, I am strangely enough always thinking ahead to the next immediate thing, always running through life to the next thing that's on my plate.

So one more thing to work on, but it is hard, as anyone who has been walking on this planet for any length of time will tell you, for a leopard to change their spots.

But I'd like to try because I think life will be a little brighter if I can.

Day 341: Do something scary

I think I screwed it up with Starbucks guy yesterday.

I saw him again this morning, but he wasn't very talkative. In fact he walked away from me and sat down in the corner. Yikes!

I tried to salvage it, I walked over and tried to chat with him while I was waiting for my breakfast but I don't know if the damage control was effective.

So I was thinking about putting a note on his car? Wow as I actually write that down it sounds a little stalker-esque... probably not a good idea.

I could actually talk to him, that's a novel concept right?

I guess the bigger issue is, am I really interested? He seems older and I tend to go for younger guys, but that hasn't always worked out for me.

It wouldn't hurt to go grab a drink with the guy, but I hate to waste his time if I'm not serious about it.

Starbuck's sure is profitting off my indecisiveness, I used to only stop once a week, but this has me going in every day!

What is wrong with me?! For most women this is an easy yes or no question, it is not this serious!

I think it all boils down to my need to please people and make them happy, and not believing in myself.

As I'm writing this, I am watching the So You Think You Can Dance auditions. One of the guys trying out is from a 'farm town', much like me.

He said something that resonated with me.

He said every time he tries hard for something it doesn't work out, and he wasn't expecting to get far in the competition because of that.

The thing is, he made it to the top 10 because the judges believed in him when he didn't believe in himself.

The saw that he has heart, drive, passion and potential, but all he could see was that he wasn't as good as the others around him with more training and skill.

Sometimes I feel like that when I talk to family and friends who seem to have this unrelenting belief in me.

Much like this kid, I don't take praise very well. It could be that my parents taught me to be humble or somewhere deep down I don't believe its true.

I am getting emotional watching this show, as I see all the families supporting the dancers and the absolute outpouring of emotion and pride for them at their success it makes me wonder if I really can be truly happy again.

Not just having a good day, sure I have those, everybody does. I am generally a pretty happy person.

I'm talking about having a life that is absolutely fulfilling in every way imaginable.

Somewhere deep down I think I'm afraid to find that joy because when I have had it in the past something has happened to take it away. And the pain of having it ripped away is gut wrenching and not something I ever want to experience again.

But in order to grow you must move outside your comfort zone, that is the reason for this blog.

I don't want to stay stagnant, I want to learn and grow into a better person and that means doing things I'm not comfortable with.

I have a list of sayings on my fridge, and one of them is 'do one thing a day that scares you'.

As awkward as it will be for me, I suppose I should put myself out there with the Starbucks guy, because what is the worst that could happen?

Stay tuned...

Day 342: PTSD

I think I have PTSD from my job. It's not a dangerous job by any stretch of the imagination, but I do feel traumatized on what feels like a daily basis.

When you think about it it's not much different... but then again, since I've never been in prison I'll have to lean on my years of watching Law & Order for experience.

We do have what I like to call a prison number which identifies us in 'the system'.

If you stop to talk to someone they give you the stink eye, because they feel like you are abusing the system and not working every minute of your 8 hour day.

I've even considered picking up a pack of candy cigarettes so I can pretend to smoke just so I can get a 15 minute break!

Some days I'll put off going to the bathroom for hours on end because I have so much work I can't pull myself away.

Sounds crazy doesn't it? Ask anyone in the tv business and they will all tell you the same thing. I'm not the only freak who does this, its very common. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if there is an entire generation of incontinent producers in a few decades because of the damage we do to our bladders.

Maybe it's our competitive nature, or our constant fight to beat the clock, but whatever it is, the more they pile on me, the more I feel I need to get it all done which really just has me looking for a straight jacket at this point.

My phrase of the day? What doesn't kill you may make you crazy.

Ok, enough of that, there aren't any jobs out there so I might as well put on my orange jumpsuit and report to prison for another sentence.

I guess buried the lead for today.

Just about the time I had written off Starbucks guy, he went and half way asked me out this morning.

I was convinced after yesterday's chat that it could just be a series of friendly encounters, but today, Mr. Starbucks said 'maybe we should hang out, outside of our morning caffiene fix sometime'.

This happened as we were walking out to our cars, and after he bought my coffee again. I was about 3 feet from my car door, so I said 'sure, yeah.... that sounds good' and started to get into my car.

We both followed it up with a 'have a great day!' and that... was that.

It seemed a little awkward at the time, but nothing shameful... that is until I got to work and told the girls I had been 'kind of' asked out.

When I gave them the details, one immediately started googling to find a picture (she's the google queen), while the others sat there with astonished looks on their faces like I had told them I had committed some serious crime.

One said, 'would it have killed you to give him your number?'

Another chimed in 'wow if he asks you out again you better be prepared.'

I know... I know.... its no wonder I'm single.

Hindsight has killed me my entire life. As I sit here and think about it, I should have given him my number or said 'sure, when is a good time for you?'

I think I just need to slow down... maybe wake up earlier so I'm not in such a rush, and maybe then I'll be able to think of something encouraging to say if he asks again.

I could have also been running away. I'm still not convinced I need to go out with him, but then again.... as my mom would say 'it never hurts to make a friend.'

I think I have a little PTSD from my love life too. Aye yie yie.... I thought this would get easier as I got older, but it may actually be worse.

Seriously it's like God's little curse!

Day 343: Margaritaville Therapy

I ran into the Starbuck's guy again today, of course I did, because over the weekend I was thinking about it and I decided I really wasn't interested.

As if I'm the ultimate decision maker on this one... who am I fooling? He may not even be interested in me!

Somewhere though I do think my radar is on target for this one.

So I pulled into the parking lot in desperate need of a massive dose of caffeine to get me through my Monday, and saw his truck, thank goodness I was so tired it didn't phase me.

We chatted a little once I got inside, catching each other up on our Memorial Day weekend plans.

It's a weird dynamic... like we're friends but we've only had a few very short conversations. As in a few minutes long... so strange.

He walked me out to my car and it was off to work.

Getting through work can be challenging some days, but my boss wasn't in today and that always helps.

I had quite a bit to do before I could hit my lunch break, where I would head to the cell phone repair shop to get the Blackberry fixed.

The trackball broke last night and I've been in agony all day listening to the messages 'ding' in, knowing there was absolutely no way I could look at them or communicate with the world.

On the way there, I broke out the Sirius car radio, because quite frankly I'm so sick of hearing 80's songs I could scream.

Come on... every once in a while is not a big deal but when I hear them every 2 songs it's getting to be a bit too much for my taste.

But I digress, so I turned on the satellite radio and quickly made sure it was tuned to Radio Margaritaville.

It is amazing how much my attitude changes after hearing Jimmy Buffett or island/tropical music.

I've known it for a while, but I sometimes forget how much it relaxes me.

Today, I actually spoke to Jimmy through the radio. I don't remember what I said, but I remember thinking 'wow, you just talked out loud to a person singing a song through the radio.'

It was definitely a first for me, at least when it comes to songs. I've talked to players on sports teams before, but never a singer.

On the way home I was back to listening to Jimmmy again, and all was right with the world.

The music sounded different to me for some reason, it's like it completely enveloped me. It wasn't loud, it was the way it came through the speakers and surrounded me, it was weird.

It was my Margaritaville therapy, which I will gladly accept every day.

Day 344: Anxiously anticipating fun times ahead

I am getting ecited for a few things I have coming up.

As I mentioned, my friend from HS is coming to town from LA next weekend.

We always have a good time so I'm really looking forward to it. She just makes me laugh, and I need that right now. I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling a little down recently.

We're going to go to a baseball game (yay!), having a spa day, and we may even hit the mall.

I always end up with some super cute accessories when she's in town. She's like my stylist, so hopefully we can get some shopping time in... if I can afford it after a spa day.

I'm also getting more excited about my trip to the CA wine country. Although it is causing me some angst.

I will be going over Father's Day weekend which isn't a big deal really, except that when I call home and talk to my family especially my dad the conversations seem to last a really long time which isn't the best when your on vacation.

I can call before I leave which I'll probably do, just to make sure I can get some good quality time in with him, but I am concerned about explaining why I'm calling early.

Sure, to say I'm going on a small vacation and I'm not sure if I'll be able to call is reason enough.

But I have a problem limiting what I say. You see, I'm going with Mr Wonderfu's mom. We're going to visit her other son and his fiancee, which will be very nice.

I'm just concerned my mom will be hurt that I'm going on vacation with Mr Wonderful's mom, when I haven't ever taken a mother daughter vacation with my own mom.

Obviously Mr Wonderful's mom is not my mom, but i can understand how my mom could get upset about me getting close to her.

As I've mentioned before I'm a pretty independent girl, and that means I don't call home every day, or even every week. Sometimes it's a month or two before my family hears from me.

I live in the same town as Mr Wonderful's mom, so we hang out quite a bit. We go to happy hour, church, even events and I'm sympathetic to my mom that doing those things must be hard on her.

On the other hand, my family doesn't come out to see me very often. Not that its an excuse for either one of us but I'm just saying it goes both ways.

They do own their own business and I know it's hard to leave so I completely understand.

So in honor of my upcoming wine country days I'm having a wine spritzer while I get the house situated for my friend and take in yet another baseball game. :D

Day 345: Another riveting day in my life

Today its a tough one to write about.

Nothing much happened. I planned to stay inside and hide out all day because of the record triple digit temperatures.

Sure I know I live in the desert and this is my life for the next 4 or 5 months, but I'm living in the land of denial.

If I don't go outside it won't be real, it's a pretty good plan until you realize your becoming a hermit.

I did get up and make it to a massage at my chiropractor's office, which was much needed.

I came home and started cleaning because one of my friends is coming into town next weekend from LA.

I can't wait, except for the cleaning part. That sucks.

I also planned to watch the Cardinal game, which was on tv. I was so excited for that because I don't get a chance to see my team play very often, and I absolutely love baseball.

So that was the plan, I managed to get a couple loads of towels done, and do a massive cleaning on the litter box... yeah I know TMI right?

Then my BFF called and wanted to meet for a quick bite. I hesitated, but only because I didn't want to shower just go out.... how sad is that?

Well I wasn't too pathetic, I did hop in the shower and meet her for a salad, then came home and fell asleep on the couch.

Another riveting day in my life.

Day 346: Twinkies and Eggs

There comes a certain time in your life when, as a woman, you start to think about whether you'll be able to have kids.

Since I'm approaching 40 and don't have any romantic leads as of the moment, I figure I'm pretty much out of the running.

Some of my friends are married and mid-30's and trying to decide if they want kids, because if they do, they know they need to get working on it.

That was part of the conversation at happy hour tonight.

One of the girls was telling us how she was trying to explain to her husband that there are inherent risks with getting pregnant later in life.

I said 'you know guys just don't get it, did you explain to him our eggs are like, well, eggs?' You know, they have a limited shelf life, and if you leave them in the fridge past that date, well, we all know what happens.

Men have such a limited perspective on the whole thing because sperm are pretty much like Twinkies! They can go through a nuclear holocaust and not be phased.

It explains so much about how we communicate and live our lives. Some men have the Peter Pan syndrome going on, they don't want to settle down because they know they have a lifetime supply of Twinkies, so they don't have to.

Women are racing against the expiration date on the side of the carton, hoping they can be successful in work and get 'cookin' as the clock ticks down toward the date that's looming.

I'm also really starting to understand the 'cougar' thing.

As women we get more confident with age, we're less concerned with our cellulite because we know there's nothing we can do about it.

Let's face it you could spend 20 hours a week on the treadmill and it would probably stil be there.

Because we've been there, done that, if we end up doing something our friends don't necessarily approve of, we don't really care, because it's not the worst thing we've ever done, and we know our friends will always be there.

Young men tend to be pretty confident, they think they have been there and done it all, not to mention the need to impress and win at all costs.

And then there's the raging hormones for both at the same time, so I totally get it. I've said it before, I need to pass through bobcat-ville before I can officially settle in cougar-town. So warm up the car I'm on my way! HA HA

Day 347: Perpetuating the fatigue

I'm feeling a little like I'm letting the year get away from me.

I get up, go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed and start the whole thing over again the next day.

Not exactly going out with a bang.

I know I've said this before, but I really need to do something, the problem is I've been super tired the last week or so.

Call it a symptom of age, one late night and I'm doomed until I can catch up which is usually on the weekend.

Maybe if I just continue to stay up late and never let myself catch up I can just roll right into my next birthday.

Ok so admittedy that isn't the best idea at least at 39... 29 is another story I may have been able to pull it off at that age.

Tired or not, the good news, at least on the boring end of things, is that I am going to a happy hour with the girls tomorrow.

I'm looking forward to it, it should be fun. I still need to figure out what to wear, sassy and powerful in jeans and heels, or cute and comfy in a srapless maxi dress.... maybe i'll go with my mood in the morning, or I'll take 2 different outfits and figure it out after work.

It's funny, I had a conversation with one of the girls I'm going with tomorrow, about how when you start to feel bad about yourself, you get depressed and then you have a cocktail which just makes you hungry, and of course you eat, which just makes you fat perpetuating the whole cycle.

It's hard being a woman! But it's definitely worth it. I can't imagine being a guy and having to put myself out there just to ask a girl out. I'd be single forever!

Here's hoping there will be an interesting and brave guy at the bar tomorrow... although I'm perfectly happy with some much needed girl time.

Day 348: Running Out of Steam

I'm running out of steam.

I'm overwhelmed and stressed at work. With one person out on vacation and a short week everything really adds up.

As much as I wonder what my boss does some days I also wonder what we are going to do when she's not there anymore.

Having that extra person to pick up the slack and part of the work really does make a difference.

Not to mention, what will happen when someone calls in sick or goes on vacation.

We're working with a skeleton crew as it is, so when one person is gone it really does make a big impact.

I know we're not the only ones to feel this way, most workers are feeling the same way.

It just makes me want to get the heck out of Dodge and find something else to make money and keep me busy.

I know that's easier said than done, especially in this economy, but after this past week I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

I hate to talk so much about work, but it really is occupying a lot of my time and energy these past few days.

And just when I thought the work load would ease up because my coworker will be back tomorrow, I realize my plate is piled high the next few days so there is no end in sight.

Ugh... it is paying the bills so I shouldn't complain, except I think this job could literally kill me if I don't do something.

Maybe I need to get working on my side job, or find someone or something else to take my mind off of things.

Day 349: Exhausting Day

Work was exhausting... and I need a beer.

Having a day off, a co-worker on vacation, a new computer system to master, and a boss who's got short timers syndrome equals a lot of work in a short amount of time.

As I sit down to relax on the couch, one of my cats jumps up on my lap which means he wants to curl up and let me pet him for a while.

At first glance one would think this could be very comforting to me, but in reality it can be a pretty disturbing experience.

That's because it also means he wants to curl up in a ball and succle himself... yes I said succle himself.

It's one of those moments when I have to stop and think.... seriously? Is this is my life?

This has been a habit since he was a small kitten, my only guess is that he was weened too early.

I thought he may outgrow it, but he's a year old and its still happening.

Most days I let him do it, it's not hurting anyone, and I feel it's probably very comforting to him. Quite frankly it's also exhausitng to try to keep him from doing it.

But today it was different, the succling sounds were extremely loud not to mention disturbing, and I just couldn't take it. It was absolutely disgusting.

So I put my hand over his belly to force a barrier between it and his head and he stopped.

Then he stood up, and I continued to pet him, hoping it would somehow appease him and the succling feeling. Just when I thought I was making some progress, slowly his head started to fall and for a brief moment I thought he was relaxing... that I had won, just this onece... and then I saw his head take a turn toward his lower belly and toward the succling region.

Another defeating moment for the day, but at least I have a few furry friends to keep me company and comfort me after a long day, even if it does come with a rather disturbing habit.

Oh and for the record, I know I mentioned cats... plural.. and that means two, and no more. They are brothers and they keep each other company when I am at work or on vacation, and I refuse to get any more for fear of being the crazy cat lady.

As the day draws to a close I am also finally planning one of those trips I've been talking about.

In a few weeks I'll be heading to the northern California wine country for a few days and absolutely can't wait.