Day 350: An uplifting experience?

Aaaaahhhh.... Memorial Day, the kickoff to summer and the day women all over the country dread because it means spending the next 6 months in a swimsuit.

Around here those days are spent constantly evaluating and re-evaluating yourself against every other woman in a swimsuit regardless of age or weight.

Mainly because where I live, plastic surgery is rampant, and there are plenty of women who have nothing better to do than work out and let someone take care of them.

Do I sound bitter?? Maybe I am, a little, but in all reality I enjoy working and would probably go nuts if I didn't have work to go to.

That said, I am pretty excited and happy to have the day off so I can relax and recover from yesterday's activities.

I spent last night in a sprawling 5,000 square foot mansion at one of the resorts here in the city.

It was fabulous spending time with other adults having adult conversations, sipping cocktails and just enjoying life.

While I was there, one of the girls in the group insisted on showing me her boobs.

Not because they were fabulous and she wanted to show them off, but because she wanted to show me her scars and talk about tattooed nipples.

I sat there thinking, what in the world is going on here? I didn't want to look, but you can't exactly turn your head the other way when you're one of three people in the conversation.

So I saw her girls, the misplaced nipples, and the scars in all their glory.

What is it with the boobs this week? I can't seem to escape them!

Today I woke up and headed out to hang out with a different group of friends, and ones I was very confident would not show me any uncomfortable body parts.

I have to say when I was relaxing by the pool today I had a bit of an ego boost.

There were a couple of girls in biknins, I'm guessing they were in their mid-20's. From across the pool they looked to be in pretty good shape which is a bit demoralizing.

I don't care how old you are or how good you look you still wish you looked like you did in your 20's... or maybe even in your teens, depending on your age of course.

Well when these girls got up to cool off in the pool I realized I don't look so bad, especially since I've got a good 10 years... or as my fabulous friend pointed out 'more than 10 years' on them.

So not bad.... for the girl who doesn't work out, and only occassionally watches what she eats. I was pretty proud of myself.. until I got home and hopped out of my bikini.

I looked in the mirror, and started to notice something I'm not super thrilled about.

I've heard talk of the sagging breasticles, but I hadn't fully experienced it. I'm still doing ok, they aren't exactly approaching my belly button or anything, but I am starting to notice 'the girls' aren't quite as perky as they used to be.

What is up with that?? I don't have kids, I don't have a reason for them to be heading south, except for gravity, which is inevitable I guess, but come on... give a girl something she can take with her into her 40's!

So I guess the bottom line for today is, I'm only as good as the strength of my bikini, and I suppose the strength of my eyes.

Because as I think about it, it's not so great that I couldn't see well enough across the pool to realize the younger women didn't look that great.

But I suppose if my eyesight goes, I won't be able to tell if I look bad, and more importantly I won't be able to see any more boobs that don't belong to me.... so maybe it all works out in the end.

All in all today was a very uplifting experience, for my spirits, but maybe not so much for my chest.

Day 351: I can take a hint

Today I woke up to a very stark realization that I can't eat what I want anymore.

The nachos I had for dinner did not treat me well today. They tasted so good, but this morning was a different story.

It's a little like a hangover, at the time it seems like a good idea, until the next day when you wake up.

That kept me from being as productive as I would have liked but I still managed to muster the strength around midday to call my friend to see if she could help me get a tv I bought from the store to my house.

She sent her husband, and as we were walking into the store to get the tv he says to me 'you've been single a long time haven't you?'

Wow... now that's a statement. It's exactly what ever single 39 year old wants to hear.

I would have been offended, but I knew he didn't mean it in a way that reflected on my social life or personality, it was more a commentary on my actions.

I know this, because he followed it up with 'you need to let people help you', a sentiment echoed by my best friend and her boyfriend last weekend.

That's when we were picking up furniture at IKEA and I wouldn't let her boyfriend help me very much of it.

I am just an independent girl, who liked to do things for myself if I can. I've been through this before. I do ask for help, when I can't do it myself, but sometimes I end up waiting on the other person which makes me feel weak and helpless.

Although I do need to take a page from the ask for help handbook. My best friend was much the same way before she was diagnosed with arthritis, and now she doesn't have a choice for a lot of things.

It's like God fired a few warning shots to her, and when she didn't listen he forced her to rely on someone else, which is how she found her fabulous boyfriend.

So it did work out for her in the end in matters of the heart, but her health is suffering, so if I can learn from her experience then maybe I should heed my own warning shots which have been pretty blantantly obvious.

Does it count if I called the cable guy to help me set up my tv? Once again, I thought I could do it all myself, and I got 99% of it on my own, it was that last 1% that I struggled with.

The cable guy was getting paid to help, so maybe that doesn't quite count.

I think I got it now, I can take a hint.... can someone help me with tomorrow's blog post??

Day 352: Life can change in an instant

One of my friends, Sunshine, was shocked with some horrible news this week.

Her brother was diagnosed with cancer a few days ago. When she told me today my heart sank and I went right back to where I was 3 years ago when Mr. Wonderful was diagnosed.

While I don't know what she is feeling, because everyone is different, I have a good idea.

Sunshine has great faith, and it has kept her going this past year after being laid off from the company she had worked at for 12 years. I believe it will get her through this as well.

But today she wanted a distraction to get her mind off of it everything, so we met a group of friends to watch the basketball game.

During the game I kept checking on her because I wanted to make sure she was ok, and it was a little strange to look at her.

She was there and the game was a distraction, but from the blank stare on her face, to the vacancy in her eyes I could tell her mind was elsewhere.

It was like stepping back in time 3 years and seeing myself.

I remember feeling that way, and knowing I wasn't fully engaged, being there in body but my mind was somewhere else. Wanting to be out with people, but once I was there I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to escape my body and my mind, but there was no where I could go.

Like the rest of us, Sunshine is no stranger to tragedy or grief, but when it hits this close to home I believe it is a little different.

Her life and her outlook will forever be changed, for better or for worse, that is up to the person experiencing it.

One thing that keeps running through my mind because of my experience is that anyone's life can change in an instant.

I don't mean in a bad way, although that can happen too, your life can change in an instant in a good way too.

You never know when that one person you have a brief encounter with will be the one you end up marrying, or when a fantastic job opportunity will fall into your lap.

I believe that's why you must love and appreciate every moment of your life no matter what you're going through, because tomorrow is a new day.

I am single right now, and I hope to eventually find another Mr. Wonderful but in the meantime I'm going to embrace this time.

Because when I'm attached I'm sure I'll have a few days when I won't want to answer to anyone, much like my married friends. Sometimes they live vicariously through me and my lack of responsibilities and my fun dating stories, while I sometimes long for what they have living vicariously through them and their families.

The bottom line is to love and embrace where you are in your life, no matter how good or bad it is, because in this journey it is where you are meant to be.

Day 353: Speculation

I love speculation.

I'd rather sit back and wonder, guess and try to fit the puzzle pieces together and figure something out than to simply ask. It's a bit like a game to me.

This all stems from a few random encounters with a guy at Starbucks. It started a few weeks ago.

We started talking while we were waiting for our coffee, just your typical small talk. Then a week later (and the day before my birthday) he was in front of me in line and bought my coffee, which was followed by more small talk.

And then we ran into each other again today, and yes you guessed it... more small talk.

After each exchange I learn a little more, but I obviously have quite a few questions... really how much can you learn in the 2 minutes your waiting for your coffee?

I know he works at the hospital, and the first two times he was pretty well dressed. So my first thought was of course doctor or administrator, but I'm a bit thrown my his car.

It's a big Dodge pickup truck with a skull and crossbones sticker in the back window. Don't get me wrong, I'm a bit of a pirate fan so the sticker didn't bother me, it just felt a little 'off' for a doctor or administrator.

This last time I ran into him, he was more casually dressed, and mentioned he had to buy a tie for resident graduation... so now I'm really confused. He also said he recently traded up for an HDtv. Again, not very doctor like behavior.

I say this speaking from experience. Mr. Wonderful was a doctor, and not a flashy doctor, he was very humble, and Starbucks guy doesn't quite fit the profile.

I could have asked, oh are you a resident? or are you a doctor? and it was on the tip of my tongue but I didn't. I don't know why I hesitated. It's really a very simple question.

I think it boils down to me not wanting to appear like it makes a difference if he is a doctor.

I also thought about the possibility he is a nurse or tech of some kind, but I would think he would be wearing scrubs to work if that were the case. I suppose he could be a phlebotomist??

See what I mean? I really love to sit back and try to figure it all out, it's fun for me.

So the game is on, and its kind of fun. I look forward to running into him and learning a tiny detail that could give me a greater insight into who he is.

I get the impression he is intereseted, and while I'm intrigued by him, I'm still not sure if I would go out with him if he asked.

I guess I would, but I would definitely meet someplace or have him pick me up from work until I could nail everything down.

Day 354: Wow... what a shocker

Today was a bit of a whirlwind.

It started with my favorite guest (she said sarcastically), and a lot of boobies.

You see he's a plastic surgeon and we had to re-record his segment several times so I kept seeing these boobs over and over again, it was like a bad dream.

Not to mention I saw the boobies for what seemed like eternity the day before when I was making the before and after pictures.

Ugh it was enough to push me over the edge! At one point, my director actually said 'tell me this isn't my life.'

After an hour and a half of this, it was on to prep for the show, the live show, then lunch, and then out to a shoot at the same doctor's office.

My entire goal going into the day was just to make it through so I could enjoy a glass of wine and forget about it all. I knew it was going to be a marathon and I would have to pace myself.

And it did not disappoint, what I didn't know was how mentally exhausting it would be, or the stunning events that were about to take place.

As we were finishing up our shoot, we got a few frantic texts and calls from the one girl still left at work. We were being summoned for a meeting with the HR director, and 2 of the 3 top people at the station.

We were all frantic. What was going on? Being news people we naturally tend to ruin surprises, so we were all on the case. Texting everyone we knew to try to figure out or find out what the meeting was about.

When we arrived back at the station we were immediately ushered into a conference room where the HR director was waiting and we sat down for the impromptu meeting.

We sat there while they told us about 'restructuring' and that they were eliminating my immediate supervisors position and replacing it with another.

You may be saying, that's not so surprising its happening all over the country.

But you don't know my boss. She's like some kind of crazy super hero immune to any kind of punishment.

She's a horrible manager, in fact, she may be the worst manager I have ever seen.

She takes 2 hour lunches, goes shopping and runs errands on work time, and she comes in late and leaves early. When something goes wrong it's not her fault. There's always someone else to blame.

It's not uncommon to hear her yell out of her office 'Did I miss Oprah today? What was on?' I know we work in tv, but that doesnt mean you get to watch tv all the time when your at work.

I'm sure we're not the only group to ever think about how things would be if their boss left, but we never actually thought it would happen.

On one hand, I am looking forward to some new leadership in the department, and maybe even some new life and possibly inspiration.

On the other hand, I think I may actually have Stockholm Syndrome because I can't imagine working there without her.... even after all the things she has done to us individually and as a whole.

We've all been so oppressed for so long we will actually have to transition into a healthy environment free of hostility and threats.

After all the things she has put us through it's absolutely crazy I would feel like I would miss her, but I think I will.

But she's a good person, a nice woman and none of us wanted to see this happen to her.

Wow... what a day... transition is on the horizon and that now has me re-evaluating my life.

Day 355: The Photo Bomb

I had a fun day today, it felt a little like the last day of school.

It started with some hot young professional soccer players we booked on the show.

I went outside to talk with them, and I swear as if on cue, before I could get to the door, one of them bent over in his white pants with his butt pointed right at me, as if he saw me coming and was trying to seduce me.

I felt like I was in a movie or maybe on candid camera, I can only hope the security cameras weren't pointed at me because my inner bobcat came out for a split second, but I shook it off and decided I would talk to them later.

Well before I could get to it, the Cheerleader and I looked outside and saw them picking up our microphones, and taking their picture in front of our building.

So we decided it was the perfect opportunity to do a 'photo bomb'.

We signaled to the photographer to keep quiet as we crept out the door, and snuck up behind the guy getting his picture taken... then we struck our best funny pose and ran back in the building.

We got back inside and turned around just in time to see the guy getting his picture taken checking out the photo, and looking around to see where we went trying to figure out what just happened to him.

It was like we were 12... but it was awesome! It felt to great to get the blood flowing again, and get that fun playful adrenaline rush.

It was a great reminder to not take life too seriously and take advantage of the moments instead of letting them pass you by.

I need more of that in my life, I need to keep my eyes open to see those opportunities and act on them instead of thinking about them and laughing inside.

I'm starting to see a trend.

From my relationships to the things I do for fun, I keep a lot of stuff inside. Not all of it is bad, but keeping anything inside and not sharing it isn't good. I really really need to work on that.

I wonder how I got this way? I didn't used to be this bad but somewhere along the way it happened. I guess in the whole scheme of things it doesn't matter how it happened, I just need to keep it from happening more in the future.

Day 356: Carpe Diem

Today I realized I need to get out and do more, mainly because I don't have a whole lot to write about.

I'm personally getting tired of coming up with topics about the entertainment center and the cats not to mention, I certainly and more importantly don't want to leave my 30's this way.

This is not how it was supposed to be. I realize it hasn't even been 2 weeks since I turned 39, but this is how it happened the first time.

I was just sauntering along in my 20's.... one day led to the next and the next and so on... then before I knew it... BAM! I was staring at my 30th birthday and I didn't know what to do.

How could I have not realized the impact that birthday would have on me? I could never again say I was in my 20's!

Now, I have the hindsight of that experience, not to mention 10 years of knowledge to help guide me through to 40 and I need to take advantage of it!

Sure, sometimes life gets in the way. Today it was a hair appointment, and trying to leverage an entetainment center the size of some New York apartments off my living room floor and up against the wall where it belongs, but where does that get me? Absolutely nowhere, well except more room to walk and less gray hair... both of which are important in their own right I guess.

I need to do something fun! Plan a trip, take a class, something... anything... to get my juices flowing.

There's a little dance studio right around the corner from my house. They do a lot of ballroom, which isn't exactly the place I want to be without a partner, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to pick one up there, but it would be fun way to exercise.

So that's it.. I'll head into one of the nightly classes and jump on the Zumba bandwagon and see what I come up with.

I'm also going to look at booking a vacation.... the beach is always good... and I just saw some fun wine events in Sonoma in September.

So that's it... dance class... vaca planning... and maybe I'll sit next to a random hot guy at a bar and try to strike up a conversation.

I have to say, for not having any idea what I was going to write about today I think I've done pretty well. Maybe I am getting the hang of this...

Day 357: My give a crap is gone

I'm about a week and a half into this thing and I'm starting to run out of steam.

I know that's bad.. really bad, since I've still got a good 50 weeks, and 356 days, left.

Today is one of those days when I blindly passed through without much thought.

The best I can muster for the day is that I shouldn't care, which isn't much to take from the day... or is it?

Not caring definitely would have helped me with the dating dilemma, if I didn't give a crap I could have easily told both of those guys to shove off.

By the way I did turn both of them down, one gently, the other not so much so.

Getting back to the topic at hand, when I don't care, I really do feel confident, like I have my power, but I haven't felt that way in a while, at least in my personal life.

At work my confidence is fine, I'm at the top of my game and I don't have to think very much about anything.

I don't give a crap is actually one of our new favorite phrases at work... as in 'I'm sorry I'd love to help you but my give a crap is gone'. Ok crap is a gentle word for what we generally share with each other but you get the idea.

As I mentioned, in my personal life it's another story... I get analysis paralysis, and I think and overthink so much that I can't do anything, and when I am able to do something it's awkward.

I'm afraid to screw things up, and not be perfect so I don't do anything at all.

I did briefly date a guy earlier this year and it was absolutely phenomenal at least in that regard.

He was young... really young... 26 young... and I didn't seem to care because I didn't think it was going anywhere.

I was right, but while we were dating it was liberating to not have to worry so much about each move I was making and calculate and plan everything. I just went with the flow, at one point I actually felt a little drunk when I was with him, and I hadn't even had a drink!

Maybe that's the key, in order to regain my confidence and get my 'give a crap' back I need to continue on to bobcat-town population 1 (I'm not quite up to cougar status yet) and get my dating game up to par.

Once I know I have conquered the younger crowd I can advance to boys my own age.... they really aren't all that much different. To quote my mother 'if you think they ever grow up your sadly mistaken'.

In the meantime maybe I'll hit the gym and get my abs and butt in shape, that can't hurt... especially with swimsuit season upon us and lots of twenty somethings running around!

That's enough for day 357... my give a crap is gone... and I have a date with Jack Bauer and the series finale of 24.

Day 358: Empowered and Discouraged

It was all about empowerment and discouragement today.... yes I mean discouragement.

I've always been an independent girl who does things for herself, by herself. I rarely ask for help.

These past 2 years I've been challenged in this area. Because of my grief, I was forced to open up and turn to friends and rely on them for emotional support and many other things.

It definitely took me out of my comfort zone, but I realize it was something that made me a better person.

As I've started healing, I'm also starting to regress and go back to my old ways.

I want to do everything by myself, which is great for a lot of people but for me its the opposite.

I have asked for help a few times, not as much as I should, but I have done it.

Sometimes the help doesn't come through and I go back to doing things by myself.

That happened this weekend... well sort of... at least doing things by myself, not having the help fall through.

There are a few pieces of furniture I've wanted from IKEA and I drive a convertible and they won't fit in my car.

So I jumped at the chance when my best friend told me she and her boyfriend were heading to the store and asked if I wanted to come with them to get my stuff.

They were happy to bring it to my house.

One of the pieces was an entertainment center which says takes 2 people to put together.

I agreed to get with her later in the week to put it together, but I couldn't wait. So I spent all of today building it.... and I did it all by myself but not without a few war wounds, a smashed thumb, a bruise and gash on my thigh and some stiff and sore muscles. But it's nothing a great margarita won't cure!

I had to build it laying flat on the ground, and unfortunately I can't get it off the floor now, so it's laying in the middle of my living room... and taking up the entire floor.

My best friend is coming over tomorrow to help me get it up and move the tv over, but until then I have this giant monstrosity in the middle of my room.

So perhaps I should have waited, not because its taking all of my walking space but because it would have been a fun time together, and isn't that what it's all about?

I still feel empowered for putting something together that takes 2 people, even though the point is to do less by myself, but I'm starting to see why I need to ask for help.

Lesson learned. My mom has been saying it for years, and putting it in writing is helping me see it more clearly. I need to let people help me... so I will try from now on. Notice I said try... I am 39 you know... its not easy changing these habits.

Day 359: The Necklace

Today was eye opening for me.

I didn't realize how much one tiny thing has been holding me back.

I have been wearing a necklace my last boyfriend, the love of my life, my Mr. Wonderful gave me. It was the last gift I received from him before he passed away from cancer 2 years ago.

It was a journey necklace symbolizing our life together and to me, that didn't stop when he died.

I thought I would continue wearing it until I started dating someone seriously, but after this last birthday and the beginning of this blog I decided I needed to make some changes.

Not wearing the necklace was one of them.

Since I haven't been wearing it I have felt a little lighter, and little happier and maybe even less guilty.

I know that sounds weird, but for some reason I guess I felt I owed it to him. As long as I still had him in my heart I had to wear the necklace.

But I know he will always be in my heart, whether I'm with someone new or not, and whether I'm wearing the necklace or not.

I also realized the necklace was a subconscious security blanket that has been holding me back from finding someone new.

I'm not ready to put it away just yet, so it still stares at me every morning when I get ready.... a small reminder as I set out on my day.

Baby steps... on the road to healing.

Day 360: Setting boundaries and making friends

It's day 360, and there isn't a whole lot to say.

I got some good advice from my best friend, I mentioned my dating dilemnas to her.

She knows both guys very well, and her bottom line is to shut them down with a 'no' and leave it at that.

She says, "so what if they think your a bitch? at least they'll leave you alone!"

She's right, I just hate hurting people's feelings. But if I'm going to get what I want in life I'm going to have to be a straight shooter and not let these love vampires suck the energy out of me.

Meanwhile another friend, who I'll call the Cheerleader, tells me she wants to set me up.

She sends me a picture of the guy on facebook, my first reaction was 'wow I hope he's going to a costume party' the second picture however, wasn't bad and it piqued my interest.

When I talked to the Cheerleader about it later, she tells me she's never actually met the guy and he lives in a different state... 'but we can make it work'.

In the interest of full diclosure she has been working and talking with him on a project for the past 6 months which does account for something.

But she left it up to me, we agreed I would 'friend' a random stranger for a potential love connection... is this what my world is coming to in the search for love?

Who knows??

Day 361: Dating Dilemna

Today is all about a dating dilemna.

What do you do when a guy you don't want to date asks you out? The answer is simple right?

What do you do when a guy you've known for years that you don't see as anything more than a friend asks you out on a casual hangout date?? That's where it gets a little tricky, at least it does for me.

There are a few guys, who I mentioned yesterday that are falling over to date me. Both I've known for quite some time, both I see only as friends with no romantic potential, and both have asked me out.

One of them has been asking me out forever, but everything is always so ambiguous. I know he's interested, everone around me knows he's interested, but he won't ever say he's interested because he knows I'll tell him I'm not and that will be the end of his little romantic fantasy.

So we end up hanging out, doing this little charade. I can't just bring it up and say 'hey dude, I'm not interested in you' because if I do the male ego will kick in and he'll come back with 'Don't flatter yourself, I'm not either I just want to be friends' when everyone knows othwerwise.

It is so absolutely maddening! The only time I can get a reprieve is when I am dating someone... which I clearly have a problem with... ugh!

Which leads me to the other guy. He's a nice guy I've known for years and he asked me out on a casual date. Once again I know it's a date because we've never hung out before and he asked a friend if I was seeing anyone.

Sure I could go out with him, there's no pressure, it's all casual. But this has been my problem all along. I end up getting stuck in these tough spots because I don't know how to say no to a guy I know!

Maybe its my mother and sister's voices in my head saying 'it never hurts to make a friend', and 'a girls gotta eat', or my fear of confrontation and hurting someone's feelings.

Either way, the bottom line is that I should just put on my big girl panties say no, let it go, and stop wasting my time... and theirs.

Oh and I should mention both asked me out via facebook.... really? I'll save that for another day.

Day 360 here I come!

Day 362: Looking for love

It may be the last gorgeous day here before the heat settles in for 5 months, so I seized the opportunity to put the top down on the convertible on the drive home.

During the drive I started thinking about what I was going to write today and I realized it was a pretty uneventful and boring day.

Then I recognized a bit of a theme starting to form as I noticed the guy on the motorcycle next to me.

I seem to be looking for love... and quite possibly in all the wrong places.

I have found myself looking at any guy who may remotely be available either at work or evidently even on the road next to me, and I'm sizing them up to see their possible dating potential.

Ok I realize the guy on the motorcycle is a bit of a stretch, but I seriously thought about it! I even looked to see if he was wearing a ring!

What did I think he was going to do?? Write me a note and throw it in my car as we were driving down the road? Maybe hit me so he could get my number? Really, how desperate am I?

Meanwhile I have a few guys who are darn near throwing themselves at me, and I couldn't be less interested.

Maybe this is the eye opener for the day. I'm looking at the guys who are safe, because I know nothing will ever happen. Obviously... because I made it all the way home and the motorcycle guy never once even looked at me, let alone threw a 'do you like me check yes or no' note in my car.

But instead of beating myself up, I choose to look at the glass as half full. Translation: I am ready to date again and I am selective and I know what I want, or at least I know what I might possibly be interested in.

So now its up to me to put myself out there and at least talk to a guy I might want to date... give them a sign... something... anything.

Maybe I should dare myself to sit next to a hot guy at the bar and strike up a conversation with him.

Stay tuned to hear the results of that one! On to day 361....

Day 363: A lesson from the cats

Day 363 ends with me sitting on the floor at my coffee table finishing off my shepard's pie and watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

This calm and uneventful end to the day is a sharp contrast to how it all started.

At 3am I woke up to one of my cats about to spew forth a hairball on my bed, this continued off and on for 3 hours in various parts of my house. Each time I got up, and cleaned it up.

The wretching stopped about 30 minutes before my alarm went off, which coincidently timed perfectly with quite possibly the fastest REM sleep I've ever experienced.

Everything snowballed from there. I slept late, when I finally did get up I was so tired, doing the simplest of tasks was difficult.

I was 20 minutes late to work... in desperate need of coffee.... with extremely dirty hair but at least I managed to shave my legs and find a cute dress to wear!

I was able to wrangle some coffee from my friend at work that I like to call the 'coffee fairy'. She stops at Starbuck's every morning and is happy to help me out when I'm running late or are too lazy to make it at home.

As if that wasn't enough for the day, 30 minutes before my show was going on the air I lost 8 minutes of content (the equivalent of 1/5 of the show). I managed to fill the show, and overcome the rest of the days hurdles and get back on track.

In some way I think my lack of sleep actually helped with my day, I was too tired to care.. too tired to get worked up about anything... it was strictly survival.

Is it a case of the chicken and the egg? Did the lack of sleep cause the chaos, or was it the universe helping me handle what was about to be thrown my way?

I will never know, but one thing is for sure I will find the gifts in each day no matter how irritating they can be.

I look forward to day 362 and the surprises that may be in store.

Days 365 & 364: Let the journey begin

As I'm faced with the last year in my 30's, I'm starting to think it would be a good idea to chronical it all.

One reason... as I think about writing down the mundane day to day activities of my life, I might actually be tempted to liven things up to make it interesting, and that would make for an fantastic journey.

Or I'll realize the small victories, and blessings in the day to day.

Either way, the ultimate goal is to cherish every moment. I don't want to be the girl who looks back and says... 'what happened to my 30's?'.

I want to go kicking and screaming into my 40's and know that I have made the most out of the last year.

The inspiration for this whole thing comes from my 20's. On the eve of my 30th birthday I realized it was over. My 20's were a blur and there was nothing left but the charred remains of college, a move to the southwest, and the beginning of a fabulous career.

On that fateful night I barged into my apartment, who am I fooling, I nearly kicked down the door and adamantly proclaimed to my roommate "Put on your shoes! We're going to the bar!" I was not taking no for an answer, this was my therapy.

I was devestated that I was going to be 30 and I didn't even know what hit me?! I had to go out with a bang. In hindsight it wasn't the best idea, since it was the middle of the week and I had to be at work at 5am.

With age comes wisdom and a weekend birthday with plenty of time to recover and that's where I sit today. Looking back at the that decade, watching another one slowly come to an end.

So here I sit, on the evening of day 364, and now that my head has cleared a bit I'm ready for the task at hand.

Day 365 was a little rough, but what do you expect after sliding head first into 39 with a bottle of rum in my hand, and good friends by my side. I'll leave that one in the past, and move on to the here and now.

Now its time to chronical, what happened today? Absolutely nothing. Hmmmm..... maybe this wasn't the best idea after all.

No I must find something to learn from this day, and I'm going to have to think.... and think hard to find it.

Ok, so I think I've got it. My inspiration today comes from a phone call at work.

I work in the television industry, and the show I work on has a really loyal following. Those viewers run the gammut, from men to women, young to old. But mostly we get calls from the older ones who can't find information on our website. Either they don't have a computer, or they just can't find it. So they do the next best thing and pick up the phone.

There is one lady who calls frequently, we'll call her Veronica. I have no idea what she looks like but I have a vision in my head of an older woman with a very youthful attitude that reflects in her clothing, hair and makeup. I've based my impression of her off the stories she calls to ask about, and her voice. She is a sweet lady who is always in a friendly and upbeat mood.

Today she called and wanted to know about an event at a hip local hotel, previewing the new Sex and the City movie before it hits the theater. In the past she has called about the uber-stylish high waisted sailor pants. Those are the only 2 times I can remember the subject she was calling about but what I do know is this is a woman who dances to the beat of her own drum, refusing to succomb to her age.

So today, Veronica is my inspiration. When I grow older (noticed I didn't say 'up' thank you Jimmy Buffett) I want to keep a youthful spirit like my loyal viewer. I want to be the woman who acts as young as she feels inside, and for me, that's about 26.

Keep living a youthful life.... good night... and on to day 363.